Revisiting Old Bonds and Building New Ones

SPEAKER 01 : 0:01

welcome to the good news with angie austin now with the good news here’s angie

SPEAKER 06 : 0:09

Hey there, friends. Angie Austin here with the good news, along with two of my favorites, regulars each week, Michelle Ron and Beatrice Bruno. And normally, Michelle has a word of the week. You’re giggling. And I just want to say, Beatrice is at the airport, so it might be a little noisy from time to time, but she still wanted to join us. And Michelle said, hey, I don’t know if I have a word of the week. And I’m like, oh, I have one that I really wanted to discuss. So she says, oh, yay. I don’t have it all written up the way you do, but That’s fine. God will take over. Yes. I’ve thought a lot over the last few months after speaking extensively with a couple of different people about this Harvard study that’s been going on for years, for decades, about happiness. And they’ve interviewed families, and then they’ve gone down to their children and interviewed grandchildren. And these interviews have been very extensive. And some of the patriarchs and matriarchs of the family that started decades ago took it very seriously and really wrote out – detailed stories about their lives and what brought them happiness and when they’ve really narrowed it all down it came to something so simple that the biggest indicator of happiness is connections and friendship so my word of the week is friendship and so since i learned that I’ve really gone to great lengths to find some of my old important connections and rekindle those. Rob Proctor is a gardener at Channel 9, but he was a gardener with me when I first moved here. And we became such good friends. He actually dedicated one of his books to me. I was one of the people at the foreword and he helped me with my wedding and he did my flowers and he helped me zero escape my yard. And we just laughed all the time together. So I was able to go to his house. He’s a little bit of a hermit. I was able to go to his house twice this summer, and it’s just like we hadn’t been apart for 10 or 15 years. And then my girlfriends from high school, I got together with them, which I usually do like maybe every two years, but I made it a point to do it more often. Another one of my friends who’d been sick, who was in her 80s, who I just love like family, was able to navigate through some of her treatments and such that we were able to spend quite a bit of time together this summer. And there are some other examples of that. You know, Beatrice has come over with another friend of mine that hadn’t been over with her boyfriend. And we got to spend time and have a nice dinner with my brother who came out to visit. And so Beatrice is leaving again. So I’m thinking, you know, I have to see her again before she moves away for a while, which always is like a kick in the stomach to me because I just love her so much. I hate it when she leaves. But I know God has big plans. So I defer to the Lord. Yeah. But I think so many of us get caught up in our lives, especially with the three teenagers I have and travel and sports. And I just it gets crazy. So right now I have a friend here from Los Angeles who is my best friend from probably 30 years ago when I first moved to L.A. and graduated from college. And I’ve seen her kids grow up. I was in her wedding. She was in my wedding. And there is a strike right now in Hollywood, which is kind of coming to an end somewhat. Because she is a big time film editor. Her brother is Paul Haggis. He won the Oscar for writing and directing Crash. And he wrote the screenplay, I believe, for Million Dollar Baby. And so he’s had a very successful career. And I just watched one of her movies, Shooting Stars, that is about LeBron James and his fascinating story of growing up with this group of buddies that… They all played together at their high school and how incredible they were and what they went on to do. And they were all at the premiere together. So they all, you know, are still really good friends. So with that, connections and friendships, they’re so important. And I think sometimes we don’t make room for them. So, Michelle, what do you think of that word of the week?

SPEAKER 04 : 4:06

Oh, I think it’s a wonderful world. Word for our world. And especially now. because connections seem to be so sliced and so split when people are with their phones, and that’s the only connection that they have. And the connections for we women, we are really ahead of our time, because it is a known study, and I can’t quote what study, that women are better than men in their connecting families and their connecting friendships over the years. And it’s so important, especially if a Female spouse passes away and goes home to live with Jesus and the man is left and he hasn’t made any connections. And I do have a funny story about that. My husband and I have talked about that because Bob is. He’s Velcroed at the hip to me. And that’s really the reality of it. And I have said to him, okay, if I go home to live with Jesus, you have got to make some friends. And he said, no, I’ll be just fine. And I said, what are you going to do? He said, I’ll just go down to the kids. No, no, no, no, you can’t do that to them. You know, you have to have connections and friendships for your sanity, for your living, for your life. eyes to see the world, not just your own eyes inside of a house. And I truly believe that’s important. God puts people in our lives at his timing, and we need to be aware of taking advantage of that, of seeing why, you know, what did this person have that I can draw from, Father, and show me how to respond to the people that you have given me. I think it’s a wonderful thing, and I love Rob Proctor, I’ve always loved to watch his garden, and I saw his yard this summer from some of your posts, and they’re absolutely beautiful. And again, the garden is a connection for God’s nature and how he has drawn into that.

SPEAKER 06 : 6:08

with people around him even if he is maybe a hermit in the unknown way it’s it’s a connection to god’s glory and i just i love your word i think it’s perfect he he did a big fundraiser by the way this summer for i believe it was a dumb friends league they raised a lot of money and people did donations to kind of go through his garden and that’s a big deal for him to have to talk and be around people that long because he gets worn out and so um but david His partner loves to talk. And so they kind of that kind of helps Rob because David is the intern at the garden. Basically, they do all the work themselves, which is really it’s I can’t even imagine what they put into that garden work wise. Now, Beatrice, definitely ready for you. You traitor leaving me. You’re at the airport right now. What do you think?

SPEAKER 07 : 6:57

You know, I am learning at the age of 64. OK, 64 years of experience. I am learning how to be a good friend. Okay?

SPEAKER 05 : 7:06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER 07 : 7:07

A good friend. Because good friends are really hard to find. You can find just regular old friends.

SPEAKER 05 : 7:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER 07 : 7:11

And those are the people that move in and out of your life. But a good friend, those are the ones that you keep around with you for a good long time. Mm-hmm. I’ve got some friends, like you, Angie.

SPEAKER 05 : 7:20

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER 07 : 7:20

That one… networking event, and we’ve been friends ever since. And even though I may have dropped out and had to come back and say, girl, forgive me, okay? Because that’s basically what it was, forgive me for just dropping out of sight. But I knew that God had put us together to be friends for such a time as this. There are other friends that I have, especially military friends, that we could go without talking for a whole year and then get on the phone one day and it’s like we never even parted because we have that military connection. But like I said, I am learning how to be a good friend in this season of my life. And I’m loving what I see because I’m the friend that I wanted when I was a kid.

SPEAKER 06 : 8:02

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER 07 : 8:05

I wanted when I was a kid.

SPEAKER 06 : 8:06

Yes, that you’ve become that friend and friend to my kids, too, because I look back at old pictures of you with my kids, how young they were in the pictures. And now a couple of them. Well, one of them for sure is much taller than you are. And you’re tall. And it just is interesting to me to see these little kids hugging you. And now they’re moving towards adulthood. Right.

SPEAKER 07 : 8:26

Yes, yes. Wait a minute. That’s all right. You have to let the airport do what they do. No, you can talk. I’m looking at what it takes for us to qualify as friends, okay? A friend sticks closer than a brother. That’s what the Bible says. And when you talk about sticking closer than a brother, that means that blood does really not mean anything, okay? DNA does not really mean anything. It means that you have emotionally and physically Spiritually, basically, come together with that person and become so close that you’re more like a sister or a brother to me because we have made that connection. And, Angie, you talked about that earlier, connection. And, see, I have some connections with some people right now. And I’ve told people this. There are certain ones in my sphere. I would actually take a bullet for them. I really would. I would step in. If we’re in a dangerous situation, I would step in and take a bullet for them. You’re one of those people. Mimi is one of those people. Okay. Because we have connected in such a way that we know that God has brought this relationship together and that he has purposed us to be together for such a time as this because we all draw on each other. And that’s what friendship means. You draw on each other. And so that’s what that word means to me today. And that was a good word. Really good word.

SPEAKER 06 : 9:49

Yeah, and I agree with Michelle about the women being better than men. You talk about if you went to go see Jesus before your husband, and he’s like, oh, why don’t I just go down with the kids? Beatrice has had to go through that, losing her husband so young in his early 60s. And my husband, I’ve told you guys before that the kids are like, how come mommy has friends and you don’t have any friends? Daddy’s got one friend, mommy. That’s all daddy needs. So much like Bob.

SPEAKER 04 : 10:17

Yeah, right, right. I’d also like to make sure that we draw on the statement that you said at the beginning, too, Angie. You had said that the connections go down through the legacies, and I had an example of that this week. A friend, my dear, dear friend from Sioux City, Iowa, we just found out that her granddaughter, which we had no idea, no idea… was a friend of my daughter’s in high school. This is, I mean, both of the girls are in their, in their college age years now, but we didn’t know the connection was there. And yet it goes back to, to how her grandma and I were friends growing up in high school. And what an incredible, it was just such an eyeopening experience. Wow. Father, you produced and you placed that girl in my grant in my granddaughter’s life. And, Actually, at a church, and they were both together. And we don’t see that, but God sees it. God sees it. He knows the plan for our lives. He knows the people to put in our lives and what may happen down the road. And for that, we should all be eternally grateful.

SPEAKER 06 : 11:30

Well, I know I am.

SPEAKER 04 : 11:31

That’s a good point.

SPEAKER 06 : 11:33

I know I am, that’s for sure. So I know that we’ve all got a lot going on. There’s so much going on with my teenagers right now and some of the school difficulties. And Beatrice is getting ready to move down to Georgia to work for a nonprofit. And Michelle is taking care of her health and all of that that goes along with all the appointments we start going to as we get older, which I’m with you, Michelle. calendar than they used to. That’s for sure. It’s such a weird thing. But B, what can we do for you if people want to see what your journey is? And you may need some donations to do what you’re going to do. So where do people find you and get info on that?

SPEAKER 07 : 12:18

Absolutely. Beatrice at Drill Sergeant of Life dot com. And I’m getting ready to start putting it on my Web site, www.drill sergeant of life dot com, because this is a key turning point for me. And so I want people to see so that they can be encouraged to get out there and do the things that God has called them to do as well.

SPEAKER 06 : 12:35

I love that. I love that. And Michelle speaks a lot. She sings at various things. And, you know, a lot of us speaking is at women’s groups, church groups, and she’s quite talented. So how do we reach you, Mimi?

SPEAKER 04 : 12:49

Thank you, sweetie. Michelle A. Ron dot com.

SPEAKER 06 : 12:53

Michelle.

SPEAKER 04 : 12:54

Thank you.

SPEAKER 06 : 12:54

Michelle A. Ron dot com. And just think about what we said about friendships and think about maybe that one friendship that you need to rekindle. And, you know, if they’re open to it, you may reach out to some people and they feel that the season’s over, that they were to be your friend. But again, If you feel a strong connection to somebody, there’s a good chance that they felt a strong connection to you and will be very happy to see you. I’m actually headed to Oregon for a wedding, and I haven’t seen my best friend from high school. And I hadn’t even heard from her since the year after high school. And she found me on Facebook, and she works for Nike, which is five minutes from where I’m going to be staying. So I think on Saturday, we are going to get to see each other. And we’ve texted so much that… we still know that we’re both funny because we just totally crack each other up so i’m really excited about that thank you ladies thank you have a great one love you both bye

SPEAKER 02 : 13:49

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SPEAKER 06 : 14:52

Hey there, friend. Angie Austin here with the good news along with Katie Millar-Wierig. One of her books is Becoming a Mean Teen Parenting Machine, a step-by-step guide to transform your relationship with your teenager. She works with kids, with their brains, with how to navigate things. And Katie, this week we’re going to talk about how to help our kids go through difficult things, which as teenagers in high school, as athletes with friends, they’re going to hit a lot of bumps, right?

SPEAKER 03 : 15:18

Absolutely. And we actually, this sounds kind of awful, but as parents, we need them and kind of want them to go through these hard things because they need to incrementally learn how to handle stress, how to handle hard things. And, and when they are young and in the home and with us, and when we can watch and see, we can help support them to know how to get through these in a healthy way, instead of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. So we, Something that I wanted to address, and it’s been something that a lot of parents have reached out to me for, is what do we do? How involved do we get in our kids’ lives when they go through something really challenging? And so I just kind of have a little three-step thing of questions you can ask yourself as a parent so that you can make sure you’re supporting them in their growth and not necessarily hindering them or making them… feel like they don’t have the tools or confidence that they need to get through things on their own. Because as I’ve said many times, we want our children as they reach adulthood to want to be with us, but not to need us. We want them to be independent and confident. And so how do we get to that point where they say, I want to talk to my mom because she’s so helpful, rather than if I don’t talk to my mom, I might be something dangerous. And so the first thing that you need to ask yourself as your child’s going through a hard thing is first, do they have the tools to work through this? Have they been equipped, whether it’s through teachers, mentors, or with family staff? Do they have the tools that they need? And if they don’t, then this is a good opportunity to say, now is the time to introduce the tool, introduce what you should do in this type of circumstance. But if you’ve talked about it previously, and if you feel like you have addressed this, then you can even say to them, this is a good opportunity for you to try to show courage. And remember what we talked about when you’re in an uncomfortable situation, how can you have courage and articulate your beliefs or something like that if that’s appropriate to the situation. So the first one is, do they have the tools? If they don’t, this is your opportunity to introduce it. If they do, encourage them and remind them what they can do to get through it. The second thing the parent needs to ask is, are they making the situation worse? And this is a really hard conversation thought to have with ourselves is, am I contributing to the problem? Am I adding more stress? Am I, pushing a timeline. So, you know, with a child who maybe is trying to make a big decision about, you know, athletics, whether they should continue or not continue. As a parent, am I giving too much of my opinion? Am I inserting myself?

SPEAKER 06 : 17:50

Wait, so are we? Wait, Katie. Okay. So we ask, are we contributing to the problem? Or do we ask them, are you contributing to the problem? Both. Both. Oh, both.

SPEAKER 03 : 17:59

So when it comes specifically to us as a parent, a lot of times our kids are ready to make decisions big decisions for themselves, especially when they’re teenagers, later teenagers and early young single adults, they’re ready and they’re wanting to assert that, that, confidence in that decision making. But we as parents are sometimes jumping in and either one, rescuing too early or two, putting in our own agenda and saying, well, you know, like we might feel like we’ve sunk all this money into your gymnastics or your volleyball or your basketball. Is this really what you want to do? And the child is like, well, I felt strongly about this decision, but now I’m not certain. And so it’s just as a parent, When they were little, it was very important that we were an active part of this. But when they are teenagers and transitioning into young adulthood, we need to be as supportive and help guide them to use these tools that hopefully we’ve already taught them. So we need to ask ourselves, am I contributing in a way that may not be positive? And then after or during you constantly learn and evaluate together. So after they’ve made the decision, even if it’s the wrong decision, we learn a lot from our wrong decisions, probably more than we do from our right ones. So if your child chooses to make the wrong decision, if they choose to go out and hang out with friends instead, doing their homework. you can take that opportunity later instead of, you know, you can punish and chastise whatever you feel like you need to do, but you also need to sit down and evaluate and say, where did we go wrong? What happened here that was the turning point for this failure that you’re experiencing right now? And they might say, well, I prioritize this over that, you know, and let them kind of come to those decisions themselves because they will take it so much better and if they are deciding on their own, I probably should have stayed home with friends instead of mom saying, I told you so, I told you so. And when they feel like they have that, I told you so, especially when they’re past like 15, 16, 17, when they’re starting to get that, they might, some kids might become more resentful and dig in their heels rather than do the thing that we wanted them to do. And so all of these things, if it could boil down to two words, it would be trust in them and confidence in them. Now, the only way to have confidence and trust in your child is to build a strong foundation over time where you can have that trust and confidence in them. So if you’re not there with your kid yet, go back to the baby steps. Go back to the simple things that we’ve talked about previously. But if you feel like your child is ready for a little more responsibility, they’re wanting to assert their independence, then this is a good step, these three steps to use. First, do they have the tools? If not, teach them the tools. Ask yourself, am I making this worse? Do I need to step back and show them you have confidence in them? And then finally, after the decision’s been made, evaluate and learn together and make an action plan for the next time so that they, once again, can go right back into, now they have the tools for the next hard thing they’re going to go through because you’ve evaluated and learned from the previous hard thing.

SPEAKER 06 : 21:04

Okay, so I’ve got that. Do they have the tools? And if they don’t, you know, teach them, are they making the situation worse? Or are we like if it’s like drama on like a team or drama in a class or at school? Are they contributing to the gossip? Are they contributing the drama? Are they sharing things on social media, which is exacerbating the issue between students? And number three, this is the one I think I wrote everything down. You know, what happened here? Ask them to decide, you know, what they should have done or what they could do to make this better. Trust in them, have confidence in them. And if you feel your child is ready to evaluate and learn together and to make an action plan for the future. Do I have that right? that’s absolutely right okay and then we had two incidents recently where they were kind of interesting because you know they take the phones now in a lot of classes which i am 100 in support of because everyone has one right i don’t even i think just our homeschooled um christian neighbors their kids don’t have phones there’s five of them i think but everyone else i know pretty much you know all these kids have phones so they have to put them in a phone hotel and that’s the way they take attendance Well, one of my daughters had said, I don’t have my phone, which is hilarious because she always said, but not hilarious, which she always has it right. But she is a straight A student in honors classes. And so she just keeps it in the bottom of her off or silenced in the bottom of her backpack. And she just doesn’t want to dig it out and keep putting in the phone hotel. So one of her teachers wrote to me and said, you know, I’ve been counting her apps in the last five days. It’s a sign language teacher. So the language of the teacher doesn’t hear anything. and so when those phones are in there that’s how that’s how he says oh this person’s here this person isn’t and then she said well i don’t i don’t have my phone well she might not have it in her hand but apparently it was in her backpack right so i get this email that says does faith have her um phone in class and if she you know does she hasn’t been turning it in and i said well she won’t have it anymore so i i don’t know what the case was before but she won’t have it now and so we kept it at home and then a second um Another one of our daughters, they like to go to the bathroom, these kids, and text their friends, right? And so she turned in, this is so tricky. They must be coming up with all kinds of ridiculous ways to skirt this rule. She put in her old phone, and so it doesn’t even have service. It looked like it was off, and she put it in. Well, then she goes to the bathroom to text her friends, and she comes back listening to music. So, of course, the teacher’s like, that’s your phone. So I get an email that says that, you know, she fibbed about her phone. And then we actually had her. She no longer gets to bring her phone to school at all. It’s in the safe. And she does. Neither of them can have it at night. We take them at 930 because it’s too much for those things to be buzzing at night. It’s like gambling. They can’t help themselves but to look and see, oh, who sent me a text at midnight? So they’re in the safe at night as well. And so the one that fibbed, she doesn’t even get it at all. Like indefinitely, she can’t bring it to school. And that means like she’s there at six o’clock at night at practice. You know, she goes to another campus to take college classes as a junior. So she doesn’t have it when she takes the bus to the other campus. And I’m like, just text me on your friend’s phone or I email her on her school email. Like, there you go. Problem solved. So we actually made her, you’re going to think I’m pretty, we’re pretty strict, but Um, she had to miss practice and she’s, you know, a valuable player on the team. So the coach and I talked and we thought that’d be best if after she did her detention, cause you get in trouble for, for doing that, for lying about the phone. So she had to go to her team and her coach and explain the coach said, look, you make mistakes. Cause my daughter was of course sobbing. She was so embarrassed and you know, she knew she made a mistake and then she had to tell the team why she missed practice. And so she said, mom, I said, what do you say? She goes, well, first I cried. I couldn’t talk. And then I explained to him what happened and they all gave me hugs. And I just said, I’d been having a hard couple of weeks. It’s class. And, you know, they’re really tired from practice. They work them really hard. And she said, I just said, I’ve been struggling. And she said, other kids came up to me and they they gave me a hug and said and cried and said they sometimes they struggle, too. And so it ended up being like kind of an. a lot less judgmental than I thought it would be. I’m sure, you know, when they talk with each other, like, oh, can you believe that she did that? But in general, they showed her a lot of support, including the coach. And I was glad we did that because it was a tough thing to do. And she will never do that again. She said, Mom, I will never do that again. I said, you know what? I know it. I know you won’t ever do it again.

SPEAKER 03 : 25:37

And that is and that’s such a good point in that oftentimes we want to rescue our kids from these hard things. But The lesson can’t be learned if we rescue too early. And so it’s this fine balance of knowing, okay, when is it ready to show that grace? And be like, okay, you’re ready for this back. You’ve learned your lesson. And also, we don’t like to see our kids suffer. We don’t like to see them sad. And it’s really hard to do that as parents sometimes. But if we take away that opportunity too quickly, then our child doesn’t learn what they need to learn. And we’re trying to make good, healthy Christ, God-fearing adults. We’re not necessarily trying to make the most, you know, happiest, easygoing adult. And so we have to remember that when these hard things come, that it’s okay to let them learn.

SPEAKER 06 : 26:26

I’m glad we did it. And I know it was hard. And she was, I mean, Katie, she was beside herself. She’s a very emotional kid. And she was so distraught and so terrified. I said, well, here, I did rescue her a little bit here. I said, here. Let me type up a one paragraph, very succinct thing of what you can say to them. You know, so you kind of have an idea. And, you know, that I put a phone in and that I had my own phone and that I was dishonest about that. And that when I was playing my music, because she has ADD, so she likes to muffle out things and listen to music. I’m not laughing at that. I’m just laughing at that. And I said, just keep it short and sweet. Yeah. And that, you know, and then I had my phone out and changed my music. And obviously, the teacher saw that I still had my phone. And I’m really sorry that I mispracticed. I’m sorry I let you guys down. And I will never do it again. And that’s what she said. And I typed it up because I knew she has a hard time, like, getting up in front of people and speaking. It’s very embarrassing to her. And she gets very tongue-tied, whereas my son would just get up and, like, get this. But I don’t know. I mean, it’s embarrassing. But… The coach let me know. She said, may I call you? The team’s very supportive of her. She did a great job taking responsibility for her actions. And she is definitely paying the price. And when she was leaving this morning, she goes, oh, yeah, my phone. I can’t bring it with me. She knows. And she knows if she forgets and brings it with her, that then there’ll be another, you know, she’ll have ramifications for that as well. I don’t want to say punishment, but more guidance from us if she takes it to school. Because I told the teachers, like, she’s not going to have it.

SPEAKER 03 : 27:55

No, I think that’s great. And it sounds like she’s a great girl who’s, you know, learned a hard lesson, but but sounds like she’s going to do great with five.

SPEAKER 06 : 28:03

Well, I love your advice. I so love having you on the show every week. And we love that you give us time. I know what a busy mom and you know, professional you are. Would you give us your social media and also your website, Katie?

SPEAKER 03 : 28:17

Yeah, of course. So you can find me on Instagram at The Balanced Mind Project. And come visit us over at the anxietyhealingprogram.com. Love to see you. Love to hear from you.

SPEAKER 06 : 28:27

Excellent. Real blessing to have you. Thank you, Katie.

SPEAKER 03 : 28:30

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER 01 : 28:31

Thank you for listening to The Good News with Angie Austin on AM670 KLTT.