In this episode of Family Talk, join Dr. James Dobson and guest Dr. Gary Chapman, the acclaimed author of ‘The Five Love Languages.’ They delve into the different types of love and how understanding these can shape and enhance our relationships, especially with our spouses. Explore how the groundbreaking concept of love languages continues to revolutionize relationships globally, with over 20 million copies sold worldwide. Learn about Dr. Chapman’s new book, co-authored with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, offering deeper insights on personalizing love languages for a more profound emotional connection.
00:00:00 Introduction to Family Talk and the Theme of Love
00:13:08 Daring to Challenge Relationship Routines
00:16:08 Collaboration and The Importance of Listening
00:21:27 Cultural Changes and Technology’s Impact on Relationships
00:25:38 Closing Remarks and Support for Family Talk
SPEAKER 02 :
Welcome everyone to Family Talk. It’s a ministry of the James Dobson Family Institute supported by listeners just like you. I’m Dr. James Dobson and I’m thrilled that you’ve joined us. Well, welcome to Family Talk, the broadcast division of the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute. I’m Roger Marsh. You know, as we get settled into the month of February, we know that this month is synonymous with love. As Christians, we know that there are different types of love. There’s agape love, which is sacrificial. There’s philea or philia love, brotherly love. There’s storge love, which is familiar, I love you anyway love. And then there’s eros, of course, the romantic love. There’s also the greatest commandment that Jesus gave us, which is to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. But what does loving those around us look like, specifically our spouses, in how they are wired? Well, on today’s edition of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk, we’ve asked a special expert guest to join us on the program to talk about that. Dr. Gary Chapman is with us. Now, Dr. Gary Chapman is synonymous with love because of his landmark book called The Five Love Languages has sold more than 20 million copies worldwide. It revolutionized relationships all across different generations. As a trusted counselor and pastor and speaker, Dr. Chapman has spent his life helping people communicate love more effectively and build lasting connections. Gary Chapman is also the director of the Marriage and Family Life Consultants Incorporated, and has a radio program that is heard on over 400 stations nationwide. Dr. Gary Chapman has released a brand new book, along with his colleagues, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It’s called The Love Language That Matters Most, How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. And that will be the topic of our conversation today. Dr. Gary Chapman, welcome back to Family Talk. I know if Dr. Dobson were not rejoicing with the Lord right now… He would definitely want to be here having this conversation with you. But thank you so much for being with us today here on the program.
SPEAKER 01 :
Well, thank you. I’ve always appreciated Dr. Dobson. And, you know, it’s hard to believe that he is with God now, not with us. But, yeah, I’m happy to be with you today.
SPEAKER 02 :
Well, thank you. Thank you so much for this. Especially, I have to laugh because I was watching a video clip of a woman who’s on one of those reality shows, and she was bragging to her friends that she was fluent in six languages. And they kept looking at her like, are you kidding me? What do you mean fluent? She goes, well, I know English, and I know the five love languages, right? So I’m fluent in all of those. And she was very proud of herself for saying so. Now, when people hear that five love languages, and they… It’s possible they might just know about it but might not be familiar. Just give us a 60-second overview. How did this all start? It came out of your pastoral counseling, did it not?
SPEAKER 01 :
It did, yeah. I’ll never forget the first day it dawned on me that what makes one person feel loved doesn’t make another person feel loved. There’s a couple that I’d never met them, and I found out later they’d been married to each other 30 years. And she said, Dr. Chapman, let me just tell you the main problem. I don’t feel any love coming from him. We don’t argue. We’re civil, but I just feel empty. And he said, I don’t understand that. I do everything I can to show her that I love her. I don’t know what else I can do. And I asked him, I said, what do you do? And he rattled off all these things he did. You know, he cooked the evening meal. He washed the dishes. He vacuumed the floors. He mowed the grass. He washed her car. And he said, I don’t know what else I can do. And I looked back at her, and she was crying. And she said, he’s right. He’s a hardworking man, but we don’t ever talk. We haven’t talked in 20 years. He’s always mowing the grass, washing the dishes, vacuuming the floors. Yeah. And I realized here was a sincere husband. In his mind, he loved his wife, but it wasn’t coming through to her on the emotional level. Mm-hmm. So that’s where it all started. And after that, I heard similar stories over and over and over. And eventually I thought, man, there’s got to be a pattern to this. So what I did was look back over notes that I made when I was counseling and asked myself, when someone said, I don’t feel love by my spouse, what were they complaining about? What did they want? And the answers fell into five categories. And I later called them the five love languages. So it was, I used it in counseling and also teaching classes in our church for probably five years before I thought, you know, if I could put this concept in a book and write it in the language of the common person, leave out psychological terms that many people would not understand, maybe I could help a lot of couples I would never have time to see in my office. Of course, I had no idea what would happen.
SPEAKER 02 :
Now, is it true, you and I have known each other for probably 15 years or so, going back and forth in the broadcast world, and it seems like every time we talk, you say the same thing, which is, this year, the book outsold the year before. Does it still have that kind of cascading effect where every year just keeps getting better and better?
SPEAKER 01 :
Well, the last two years, it has not outsold, but it’s been right up there with the year before. Okay.
SPEAKER 02 :
Well, when you consider that this book was published, what, in 1992, that’s pretty remarkable to consider the fact that it just has kept growing and kept growing. And it’s even fought through. I mean, let’s face it. The academic world would say, now, wait a minute, five love languages, you just told me what those four Greek words were, and there’s nothing, you know. If I do an exegesis on the five love languages, you know, it’s not going to hold up, you know, theologically. And you never set out to do that, right? I mean, the whole idea was these are patterns of behavior as opposed to, you know, doing deep dives in Greek and Aramaic.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, absolutely. You know, and really just addressing one aspect of love, and that is the emotional need for love. And almost everyone agrees that one of our deepest emotional needs on the human level is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. And if you’re married, the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. If you feel loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. If the love tank is empty, if you don’t feel loved and you think they wish they weren’t married to me, life can begin to look pretty dark.
SPEAKER 02 :
You know, it’s amazing talking with Dr. Gary Chapman today here on Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk about those five love languages and the couple that was so devoted to each other that you just shared that story of. And I’m thinking as you were describing it, because we’ve had the benefit of the five love languages book, I’m thinking… well, here’s an acts of service guy who’s married to a quality time and words of affirmation woman. And if they can just piece these together. But 35 years ago, people weren’t necessarily thinking like that. And this revolution has just, it’s just been so remarkable to see how many people have benefited. And now we have this brand new book that has just now been released. And the title is kind of a, take on the five love languages. It’s called The Love Language That Matters the Most, How to Personalize Love, so they will really feel it. And you’ve combined your talents along with Drs. Less and Leslie Parrott to put these together. What was the genesis of this new book?
SPEAKER 01 :
Well, you know, through the years, Roger, people have said to me, in your book on the love languages, you mentioned that there’s dialects to the languages, but you don’t tell us what the dialects are. And the other question I’ve heard is how does the person’s personality interface with the love languages? And so in this book, we’re addressing those two questions because I’ve heard them over and over and over through the years. And I teamed up with Les and Leslie Parrott because, as you know, they’re excellent in this field. And we first began with a premium assessment of the five love languages in which we introduced some of the various dialects within the languages and helped you discover your dialects and also your personality things. And then we decided, let’s write a book about So the person can read it or they can go online and take the assessment and find out, you know, more specifically how to communicate a particular love language to their spouse or to any significant person in their life.
SPEAKER 02 :
Well, Dr. Gary Chapman has become synonymous with the five love languages. As a matter of fact, we have a link up at jdfi.net for fivelovelanguages.com that has the premium assessment that Dr. Chapman’s talking about and has information about the book, The Love Language That Matters Most. And by the way, that is the number five, lovelanguages.com. As we think about what that means, how do we put some legs on this then? I mean, what are some of the first steps as taking the assessment is helpful, but how You mentioned that tone of voice, and I can’t help but think, I heard a sermon one time where a pastor was describing the tone of voice God uses is as important as the actual words God uses when he speaks to us, sometimes even more so. And I’m sure you’ve seen that in counseling where there are a couple, you know, I said I love you, you know, and it doesn’t really land. But there’s something about the way they look at you and the way that the voice sounds and the warmth and everything like that. Let’s get into a little bit more of these conversation or communication styles in addition to just the types, if you will.
SPEAKER 01 :
Well, you know, let’s just take words of affirmation because that’s my love language. I’ve known it from the very beginning. That’s my love language.
SPEAKER 02 :
Well, you do a great job, Dr. Gary Channel. Let me just say right off the bat, I’ve never seen anyone handle this topic as well as you do. How’s that? Is that good?
SPEAKER 01 :
Thank you very much. I feel good already. But again, I had never dug into really, you know, what are some of the dialects with the words of affirmation? Some of the ones that we deal with in the book are words of encouragement, you know, where a spouse is saying to their spouse, you know, honey, I read this article that you just wrote, and I know you haven’t submitted it to anybody, but I really think this is a great thing, and you need to submit it to somebody, even if it’s a local newspaper. I mean, I just, you know, I want to encourage you. Let’s take some steps on that. Well, for some people, man, it’s those words of encouragement that just leads them to do things that maybe they wouldn’t have done before. They feel love when they get encouragement. Other people, however, you can give them encouragement and say, you know, you’re really good at this, and you ought to start a podcast, or you ought to do this, or you ought to do that. They don’t feel encouraged. They feel like you’re pushing them.
SPEAKER 02 :
Yeah, that’s one more thing to my to-do list.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, absolutely. And then their compliments. It’s just looking for things that you like about them. You look really nice in that outfit. Or, you know, one of the things I like about you is your personality. You’re always positive. I like that about you. It’s just looking for those kind of things that you can compliment them on. And then it’s giving words of appreciation. in which you are expressing to them how much I appreciate the fact, honey, that you fix dinner every night. I don’t take that for granted that you fix dinner every night. I mean, it’s hard to believe that in this world, you’re still that kind of person. And I really, really appreciate that. whether it’s the husband or the wife that’s doing the cooking. But it’s appreciation for things. And so I took the quiz myself. Les was the main one that put that quiz here. I took it together, and I found out my dialect is appreciation.
SPEAKER 1 :
Interesting.
SPEAKER 01 :
Appreciation, you know? And that’s just an example out of that one love language. We deal with all the, not all necessarily, but we give different dialects on each of the languages. And I really think this is going to help people be far more effective in really communicating love to the person. And they’re going to get it, you know, on a deeper level.
SPEAKER 02 :
Dr. Gary Chapman is our guest today here on Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk. We’re discussing his brand new book, co-authored with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It’s called The Love Language That Matters Most, How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. And that’s our topic of conversation today as we discuss digging a little deeper into the five love languages. The book is divided into three different sections. You’ve got the problem, then you’ve got the solution, but then you’ve got the tactics. And as you and the Parrotts were talking, doing the research for this book, I’m sure you noticed some of the bigger problems the couples face when they’re, I mean, it’s one thing to say, okay, I know this in my head. I know what I should be doing here, but how do I put it into practice? I mean, there’s a quote in the book that I’d love you to kind of draft off of this if you would. where you say that learning to love at the most meaningful level is daring. Talk about why a lot of couples who may have been married for many, many years will look at a situation like this and say, I want to understand the difference between words of affirmation, words of encouragement, words of compliment. And well, you know, it’s working right now. So I don’t want to mess with that, Dr. Chabot. I really don’t want to. Give me the courage to dare to challenge our system internally. Right.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, well, I think you’re right. I think we all get into routines. And if we are familiar with the love languages and we know each other’s love language and we’ve been speaking it, you know, through the years and we both, you know, feel like that the other person feels loved and we feel loved, why would I want to learn anything else about this? I would suggest to that person, why don’t you say to your spouse, honey, I want you to be honest with me. on a scale of zero to 10, how much love do you really feel for me this week? And they say, you really wanna know? And you say, yeah, I really wanna know. And if they say anything less than 10, then you know you’ve got some homework. You know you can do better than you’re doing. It’s just a simple way of finding out. We just assume. If we feel loved, we assume they feel loved, because in our minds, we’re speaking their language. But that’s a way to open up a conversation that’s non-threatening, but can kinda hit you in the face and say, ooh, well, let’s talk about this. So that’s a good way to start.
SPEAKER 02 :
Yeah, it certainly is. And when you risk that kind of vulnerability with your spouse, you put it all on the table there. And I love the fact, Dr. Gary Chapman, especially for us guys, I’m sure there are a lot of men who are thinking, wait, what do you mean 10? I mean, isn’t seven pretty good, right? I mean, eight, that got me into college, those kinds of grades. What do you mean it has to be a perfect 10? But I understand what you’re saying, and I think that also gives us permission, too, to be able to say, you know, if it’s not a 10. Well, tell me why, you know, show me what’s happening here. I think about a recent conversation my wife Lisa and I had where we’d had some conflict over a miscommunication. And I, you know, we’ve both been, this is our second marriage for both of us. So we have, you know, every now and again, there are some words that come out that are PTSD moments from the previous relationship. And we’d gotten to the point where the conversation got really, really vulnerable. And she stopped and looked at me at one point. She said, I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it sounded like you were saying something And then all of a sudden we kind of had to look and say, whoa, I didn’t realize that I was using that kind of language, that kind of tone, that kind of presentation. The idea that we weren’t at a 10, but then we both had to walk back and say, okay, well, why are you telling me it’s not a 10? And why am I not at a 10? And then how do we turn this around? It’s fascinating to kind of try to quantify, if you will, what are emotions that are just emotional. You know, I’ve been… commend you the three of you for for taking on this problem and and providing us with solutions about it too i mean how how satisfied gary chapman are you with the end result knowing that this is kind of your brainchild but then the parrots came alongside and said hey let’s put this new wrinkle into it because here in 2026 couples need this
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah. Well, I was very, very excited that they were willing to join with me on this project because I’ve been thinking about this through the years, as I mentioned earlier. But really, in my own mind, I didn’t know exactly where to go with that. But I knew Les Parrott and his wife, Leslie, and I knew he was really great on putting together not quizzes, but assessments. Wow.
SPEAKER 02 :
He is kind of a statistical analysis geek, if we can use that term.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, right. He’s a psychologist. So I said, if I was going to do this with anybody, I want to do it with you. And so I really—and he and his wife have done a great job. I just have loved working with them. And I really do believe this book is going to be really helpful to people. I was sitting there reading it to myself, because it was just published earlier, and But I got my copies earlier. And when I sat down and just started reading, after it was published, I started reading it again. And my wife said, you’re reading it? I said, yeah, it’s a good book.
SPEAKER 02 :
That’s got to be a good feeling for all of the books that you have written over the years. And the fact that you and Carolyn are kind of the poster children, if you will, for getting the love language thing right. Because everyone just expects, well, the Chapmans have it all down because they keep writing these books about this. But it must be kind of a really pleasant moment where you do get an opportunity to see the fruit of your labor and read it. And you kind of forget yourself for a second and say, this is really good. And you give yourself permission to do so. I highly encourage you to do so, Dr. Gary Chapman. May I affirm you in that as well?
SPEAKER 01 :
You know, my wife and I have tried to be real open and honest when I’m speaking. And I give illustrations of us and the problems we’ve had through the years. And she’s the editor of all my books. Interesting. Because she was an English major. And one of the things I said to her early on, I said, honey, if ever I say anything about us that you don’t feel comfortable about, I said, you just let me know and we’ll take it out. And but through the years, there’s nothing she’s ever taken out. She just said, you know, listen, if we’re going to help people, we got to be honest about our own journey. And so I really appreciate that about her. And so, yeah. And we have a growing marriage. I don’t ever talk about a perfect marriage. I talk about a growing marriage because we’re either growing. or we’re regressing. We don’t stand still. We’re either getting better or getting worse. So let’s work toward having a growing marriage.
SPEAKER 02 :
Yeah, there is no Switzerland in God’s economy, right? I mean, it’s either getting better or worse. There is no, okay, well, I guess we’re doing all right. And then you look up and 20 years have gone by and you’re thinking, oh my goodness, this is awful. We were talking to a couple recently who had that experience, and they were describing their first year of marriage. And the husband was saying, I thought we were doing pretty well. And the wife was saying, I was asking God, how much longer am I sentenced to be in this marriage? And that’s when he said, I think that’s when we knew we needed to get some help. I love the fact that this book does, in fact, help us look at problems, look at solutions, and then the tactics. Let’s talk about the solution for just a moment, because I think we all know basically where the solution begins. You get right down to it. And that’s with our ears more than our mouth. I mean, it’s sitting and actually listening. Talk about why you write in the book that listening is important and probably as important as being able to speak someone’s love language is to hear what they’re actually saying.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, I think, you know, by nature, a lot of us are not good listeners. Someone, a spouse or anyone that we have a close relationship with will say something to us about a problem that they have or something that happened at work today. And they will just say it, and we’ll say, well, what you ought to do is da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And we try to fix the thing before we even understand it. Far better to say… Tell me more about that. I’d like to understand what’s going on here. And then keep asking questions. When the other person’s talking, remind yourself, I’m the listener. I’m not here to tell them something right now. I’m here to listen to them. We’re trying to look at the world through their eyes. What are they thinking? What are they feeling? And whatever the situation is. And we ask enough questions, then we can honestly say, you know, honey, I think I understand what you’re saying. I could see how you would think that way, and I could see how you’d feel that way. If I were you, I’d probably feel the same way. And then you might say, is there anything I could do that you think might be helpful to you? And if something comes to their mind, they’ll tell you, and then you can do it. But if we just respond to the first thing they say and tell them what they ought to do, we don’t really know their heart and they don’t feel like we know them. We just feel like you’re just trying to fix everything for me. You don’t really know me. And that’s what we wanna be. We wanna be known. If we’re sharing things beyond the surface level of life, we’re doing it because we wanna be known by the other person. So becoming a good listener by asking questions. is a key asset in having a good marriage.
SPEAKER 02 :
You’ve been at this for such a long time, Dr. Gary Chapman. I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of changes, not only in counseling techniques, but also in just the way the culture interacts with each other, with different people. A couple that had been married 30 years would come to your office in the 90s. And they’re facing different situations than a couple married 30 years that’s coming to your counseling office next week. Talk about what you’ve observed in terms of that listening thing, for example. I mean, it seems like everybody’s on the go. Everybody’s got a mobile device that’s giving them – they can Google whatever information they need. So everybody’s an armchair psychologist and therapist and theologian and – You know, it really can mess up the relationships in a big way. Talk about some of the changes and why this listening component really is more important today than it’s ever been.
SPEAKER 01 :
Well, I think what you mentioned is a huge issue. In fact, I had a guy say to me just recently, he said, Doc Chapman, he said, my wife and I were watching a TV program together, which we do from time to time. And he said, when the commercials come on, we just put it on silence. We don’t want to watch the commercials. And he said, used to, we would talk to each other during that time. Now we both pick up our phones and we both start looking at our phones. And he said, I realize we’re not spending quality time together. We’re just sitting in the same room together. First, our mind is on what’s going on TV. Then our mind is on whatever we happen to be looking at on our screen. We’re not having quality time. And I think that’s one of the huge issues today is that we are so tied to our technology that we often are missing out on really having an intimate relationship with each other.
SPEAKER 02 :
listening really is the thread that weaves all five love languages together. And on today’s edition of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk, we’ve been reminded that loving well requires both intentionality and a willingness to hear our spouse’s heart. Hope you’ve enjoyed this meaningful conversation with Dr. Gary Chapman today here on Family Talk about the nuances of love languages and how understanding the dialects within them can deepen your marriage. If you missed any portion of today’s broadcast, or if you want to share it with a friend, visit jdfi.net. And once you’re there, you’ll also find information about Dr. Chapman’s new book, co-authored with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It’s called The Love Language That Matters Most, How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. Again, you’ll find the information about the book and the audio at jdfi.net. And be sure to join us again next time for part two of this conversation here on Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk. You know, for decades, Dr. James Dobson dedicated his life to strengthening marriages and families through biblical truth. And that mission continues today through the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute and the Family Talk broadcast. Programs like the one you just heard are designed to help you build a thriving marriage and to raise godly children. But we can only do this work with your help. When you donate to the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute, you are partnering with us to reach millions of listeners who are searching for hope and practical guidance for their families. And your generous donation helps us defend the sanctity of human life, to promote God-honoring relationships, and proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ to a culture that desperately needs it. To make a secure donation, go to jdfi.net. If you’d like to send your tax-deductible donation through the U.S. Postal Service, keep in mind that our ministry mailing address is Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk, P.O. Box 39000, Colorado Springs, Colorado, the zip code 80949. Or if you’d like to speak with a member of our constituent care team, call 877-732-6825. That’s 877-732-6825. Well, I’m Roger Marsh, and on behalf of all of us here at Family Talk and the JDFI, thanks so much for listening today. Be sure to join us again next time when I continue my conversation with Dr. Gary Chapman about the love language that matters most. That’s coming up right here on the next edition of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk, the voice you can still trust for the family you love. This has been a presentation of the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute.
