In this enlightening episode of The Good News, Angie Austin sits down with Lori Wildenberg to explore the profound impact grandparents can have on their grandchildren’s lives. Lori delves into her book ‘Grandparents Make Grand Partners’ offering practical advice on strengthening family ties and passing down values that matter. Whether you’re a grandparent seeking to deepen your relationship with your grandchildren or a parent striving to bridge generational gaps, this conversation is packed with wisdom and heartfelt stories.
Welcome to The Good News with Angie Austin. Now, with The Good News, here’s Angie.
SPEAKER 06 :
Hello there, friend. Angie Austin here with the good news. The good news is we are talking to Lori Wildenberg, and we are talking about her book, and I love the topic. The title is Grandparents Make Grand Partners, How to Have an Eternal Impact on Your Grandchild’s Life. I love this, Lori, because I think grandparents can be so influential on a child’s life.
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh my gosh, Angie, you are so right. And I had no idea the great influence grandparents can have on a grandkid’s life. We are second only to parents in terms of our impact on a grandkid’s life. I agree. All right.
SPEAKER 04 :
You’re not going to believe this.
SPEAKER 06 :
You’re not going to believe this. To start off, I have a son that’s turning 21 in June. And so he’s in college at University of Colorado Boulder. A lot of his friends are going on these fancy spring breaks and they’re going to Cancun and they’re going to South Beach and Padre Island. And guess where he told me he wanted to go?
SPEAKER 03 :
I can’t guess. Stay in Colorado.
SPEAKER 06 :
Nope. Grandma and grandpa. He said, Mom, I only want to see a family. He said, I want to go see. They’re in their 80s. And he said, I want to go to Chicago and spend the time with grandma and grandpa because I talk to grandpa every day. And I just don’t want to have any regrets like I did with, you know, with my dad, with your dad, mom, with Grandpa Bryce. He said, I don’t want to have regrets. I didn’t get enough time with them. And so I really just want to go to grandma and grandpa’s for for spring break.
SPEAKER 03 :
And so that is amazing. And how awesome they’ve established such a wonderful relationship.
SPEAKER 06 :
Oh, they talk every day. And it’s funny because I said to Grandpa, I go, well, you know, he’s, you know, really struggling with that, you know, accounting class or whatever. And Grandpa said to me, I will never reveal any of the topics or anything that Riley and I talk about.
SPEAKER 03 :
So he’s got that adult relationship now, right? Yes, yes. They can have that.
SPEAKER 04 :
And he just loves it.
SPEAKER 03 :
When they’re younger, under the roof, you know, under your roof, you want to make sure you’re not keeping… But what he’s doing is he’s honoring the relationship as one adult to another. That’s really.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yes. And they just love each other. And, you know, Riley used to be the one calling Grandpa. And now Grandpa calls, you know, Riley. And, you know, it’s like it goes back and forth. And how many, you know, almost 21 year old. boys, you know, young men want to talk to grandpa every day and spend spring break with them. I mean, and like grandpa gets up every morning and he makes him breakfast. He goes out to the grill and he does hash browns and he does, you know, bacon and eggs. And then when Riley gets up, he has this big spread. And then they go out for steak dinners every night. And then they have long conversations and they sit at the table and talk. And interestingly enough, my husband needed a little break, too. So he’s actually going with his dad for spring break to grandma and grandpa’s.
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh, my gosh. That’s awesome.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yeah. But then Faith and I, because grandma goes, oh, are you and Faith coming? Because I’ve got two daughters, Faith and Hope. And Faith and Hope, she goes, are you coming? I go, well, Faith and I are actually going to Puerto Rico. um so so we we had a little we’ve gone let’s just suffice it to say i’ve spent many a spring break in chicago and uh you know uh my my umbrella you know going backwards from the wind and the cold and the sleet and the whatever that i’m not a cold person so you know i’m gonna i’m gonna opt out of this spring break in chicago but you know we have done many a spring break there all All right, so let’s get into the book, Grandparents Make Grandpartners, How to Have an Eternal Impact on Your Grandchild’s Life. So let’s just start off. Give us kind of an overview, Lori, of the book.
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh, yeah, thanks for asking. So the book is really broken up into two halves. The first section of the book is all about relationships and how can we strengthen our relationship with our adult children and and with our in-laws, and then also with our grandchildren. Because if we don’t strengthen our relationship with our adult children and their spouses, we are going to have a very difficult time creating a really good relationship with our grandkids. So that’s the very beginning of the book. And it’s super practical. And I talk about all the different… pluses and minuses to various ways we can approach situations and then things that are maybe hot spots for parents that they really wish grandparents would not do. And then we move into the last part of the book, which is very practical and regarding how to pray for your grandkids, how to give a blessing, how to celebrate various holidays by bringing Jesus into them. Coming up, we’ve got St. Patrick’s Day and what would be some good ways to encourage faith in the family regarding St. Patrick’s Day. So it’s very, very practical. And I know that regarding the relationship type stuff, we have to have that before we can have that influence.
SPEAKER 06 :
I love it. I absolutely love it. I’m going to make sure that I get a copy of your book because your friend who referred you to me, he often sends me the books. And to be honest with you, I’ll be honest with you, I have so many books that I’ve told him… You know, don’t send me anymore because I have no room for all these books. Like, it just gets crazy, right? And so I kind of get an overview of the book. I develop questions for the book. And then, you know, I do a little research on you in the book. But then I don’t read the whole book because I read a book every night, you know, because I do so many interviews. And so I’m going to ask him for yours.
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh, well. I’m honored. Thank you.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yes. Yes. This is a good one. OK, so let’s talk about some of that. Well, and I want to tell you, too, we had a falling out, mostly with my mother-in-law. She’s Italian. And in the beginning, she was very controlling with me and the grandkids. And she was doing things that she wasn’t supposed to do. Like she wouldn’t put the car seat in properly. If she had them, she wouldn’t brush their teeth properly. She wasn’t putting sunscreen on them. The new SIDS protocol for having the baby sleep on their back, she said, well, my kids didn’t do that. And then she turned them on their front and they can get stuck in the blankets and get smothered. And then the doctor said, don’t feed the baby water. Don’t give the baby water because the baby needs mother’s milk. You don’t want to fill them up on water. They don’t need that. They’re not thirsty for water. And so we came in and she was hiding a bottle and it was full of water. And so She was really defying like all of our rules. So there came to be an argument about the kids and she was very aggressive with me and we got into an argument and we didn’t talk for a year. So with that said, I knew that she’d be a good grandparent. Like I knew that she cared, but I knew that we needed to have boundaries. My husband, of course, sided with me, which was the smart thing to do in a marriage. And then the grandparents didn’t talk to us for about a year. So then I decided I really want my kids to have these grandparents. They were very good parents to my husband. They’re still together after, you know, now it’s been 60 some odd years. And so I decided that I was going to apologize to her. And so I called and invited them out and I sent her a book with the kids and I apologized to her and she never apologized to me. And I accepted that she’s just there’s some people that can’t apologize. It’s just not in their DNA. And we got in one more situation like that. One or two more, actually. Once she actually it wasn’t good. She she shoved me. And I, again, I called and apologized. She has a hot Italian temper. OK, so to make a long story short. She is a 9 out of 10 as a grandmother, and my father-in-law is a 10 out of 10. They have added so much to my children’s life, and I’m glad that I made the sacrifice as a daughter-in-law to overlook how she treated me because I knew that it would be different, you know, with the kids. So with that said, I’m really glad that I did it. And I in fact, my my my son is going, you know, as you know, to their house for spring break. So I’ve really established a great relationship with him. So with that said, what are some of the greatest challenges facing parents and grandparents today? And I think as a daughter in law, you really have to sometimes swallow your pride and allow as long as it’s not a destructive relationship to the kids. You do not do not. I did not use myself as the most important person in this, and I did not manipulate the situation to punish her. I made sure that I took a backseat to my feelings so that my kids could have a good relationship with their grandmother and their grandfather.
SPEAKER 03 :
You know, that isn’t typical. And it’s awesome that you did that. So you touched on many of the hot spots that are happening with grandparents and the parents of the grandchildren. And when I got my list of all of the hot spots, I actually did an informal survey on my Moms Together group on Facebook. And it’s made up of moms and grandmoms. And I did an informal survey and I asked, what are the hot spots? What are some things that cause difficulty in your relationship with your children’s grandparents? And it really, I had quite a list and it really boiled down to respect and The disrespect of not following the protocol, just like you had mentioned, not following the sleep protocol. You know, that’s something. Or any safety thing regarding, you know, car seats and this sort of thing. So it really boiled down to respect. And when I looked at that, I thought, oh, gosh. You know, we want to make sure that we are not dismissive. And I’ve actually been dismissive sometimes because, you know, you have a different… perspective of things than the parent who’s in the trenches at the moment. You’ve got a long-term perspective. And I’m learning, and this book, writing this book has helped me very much to remember what the parent is going through. And I recall one time, where I was watching my grandson and he was our first grandbaby. Now I would do things differently now, obviously now that I know what I know, but I had, my mom was staying with us for, it was probably over Thanksgiving perhaps. And we had taken him out in the stroller and normally I would be able to get back in time before my granddaughter got home from work. We were babysitting my grandson and, um, But this time it was a little slower pace because I was with my mom. So we didn’t get back to the house prior to my daughter-in-law arriving at the house. And she went into new mama full panic mode. She didn’t know where we were. I hadn’t left a note. You know, I was assuming we’d be back in time, but we weren’t. So she was completely freaked out. When we got to the house, I saw this frantic daughter-in-law in front of me. And rather than having empathy, which is what I should have had, rather than understanding she’s in new mama mode and she’s scared, I’m like, well, you knew he was with us, you know, and he’s going to be okay. I would let you know if there was something wrong. Why didn’t you just go and, you know, relax and change your clothes for a minute before you had to get into the mom mode? And that was very wrong. I should have immediately said, please forgive me for that. I know I can see the panic on your face that that caused you great concern. I am so sorry. We just went a little slower than expected, you know, and that’s what I should have done. But I did not do that. You know, and and I’m learning. I’m in this grandparenting gig like seven years in now. And I love this gig. Yeah. And working on this book really has changed. completely raised my level of awareness and and to recall what it feels like to be new mama busy new mama figuring out the schedule new mama worried about sleep about safety You know, these are things you have to keep in mind as grandparents.
SPEAKER 06 :
That’s correct. Those are the things that we have to keep in mind. And new mama busy. That’s a great way to put it. We’re going to take a break and we’ll be right back to continue our conversation with Lori Wildenberg. We’ll be right back with the good news.
SPEAKER 07 :
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SPEAKER 01 :
Bomar is listening to the mighty 670 KLTT Denver.
SPEAKER 06 :
All right, we are back with Lori Wildenberg, and we are talking about being grandparents. And you were saying that we were going to get into the different styles of being a grandparent. The book is Grandparents Make Grandpartners, How to Have an Eternal Impact on Your Grandchild’s Life. Lori Wildenberg, what are some of the different styles or types of grandparents?
SPEAKER 03 :
So I’m so glad you asked. And I came up with this list of nine different maybe grandparent personalities or styles. And we’ll only talk about three of them here. But I came up with this as I was observing various grandparents do their grandparenting and things that I liked and things that perhaps I thought, well, I don’t think I want to weave that into my grandparenting style. But the first one is really the fun one and is perhaps the favorite grandparent. This is the chum, the one who is the friend. Oh, the chum. Yeah, and that’s the grandparent that really builds a real strong relationship with the grandchild and is maybe considered like the really fun grandparent. Well, the pitfall with that, and that’s great because that is huge. Relationship is huge. But the pitfall can be that they might have difficulty following through with parents’ instructions or rules. Oh, yes. Yeah. And they might even say something like, what happens at grandma’s stays at grandma’s. It sounds like fun, but if you’re the parent, you’re kind of wanting to know what’s going on when I’m not there. You know, when these kids are under your roof and you’re raising them. So you don’t ever want to pit… the child against their parent. That’s really dangerous. So you’ve got to be careful with that. But again, relationship building is wonderful. The other side of the coin of this is the captain, the authoritarian grandparent, is very decisive and orderly and inflexible and kind of stubborn. And so they might say something like, my house, my rules. So what happens there, they may be overstepping what the parent would like. And again, you have to remember that the parent is the parent. The grandparent is a partner, but not an equal partner, but a partner nevertheless, but not an equal partner and to follow what the parents have laid out. And then the final one is the intentional Christian grandparent. And like I said, there are a bunch of personalities that I talk about, but I’m just going to highlight these three. So the intentional Christian grandparent or Christian coach is how I have it worded in the book, is the grandparent who really intentionally is encouraging a Christian worldview and partnering with faith development in the grandkids. And so, of course, the plus side is to be able to have good and intentional faith-filled conversations. But we want to be careful not to come across as like kind of pious or using Christianese or speaking in platitudes where we become unrelatable. So if we can take the Christian coach… And use that and move that into any number of these grandparent personalities, which you may find you are a mixture of them. And you could be a little bit more one than the other with one particular family versus another family of your grandkids. Just because of the way the… Parents are parenting and how they’ve got their system set up. Yeah. So all of those things are discussed in the book. But I think those are the three most typical ones.
SPEAKER 06 :
OK, what else would you want us to learn from the book? What else do you want to highlight? Do you think it’s important?
SPEAKER 03 :
I think if. If we can really solidify our relationship and to remember that the more we try to control, the less influence we are going to have because our adult children are going to pull back from that. And we’ve got to be very aware of that. So, you know, here I am. I’ve raised four kids, right? And I’ve got this… longer view perspective. So in my mind, I’ve got some well-earned wisdom, right?
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER 03 :
But that isn’t necessarily appreciated.
SPEAKER 05 :
Yes.
SPEAKER 03 :
So what I need to do and to remember, like I said, to remember the new mama phase and what that’s like and what that feels like and to be sensitive to that. And just to zip it, I don’t need to weigh in on things. They are raising their children the way they want to raise their children, just as I raised mine the way I wanted to raise mine. Right, right. My parents and my in-laws very rarely chimed in on anything. And I appreciated that. And I want to be that kind of a respectful grandparent and in-law and parent as well. So I think it’s best not to say anything unless they have asked you for your opinion or your advice. You know, then… It’s free game. But to be careful and have grace and humility as you answer that question to keep that in mind. Or if there’s really something that’s glaring, you could pray before. And if you feel the Lord nudging you, you could say, I have a little different perspective if you’re interested in hearing that. And if they say no, you’re done. So ask the question or wait or wait. Better yet, don’t say anything because it will create a division. And they’re just going to hear any sort of comment like that as criticism. They won’t hear it as helping.
SPEAKER 06 :
You know, when I had my first kid, I had this nurse who I really, really enjoyed. And she said, well, as a grandparent, I’ve learned to keep my wallet open and my mouth shut.
SPEAKER 03 :
That’s good. I thought that was hilarious.
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah, no, I know.
SPEAKER 03 :
Because here there’s such a shift. Because as a parent, you’re calling all the shots. And suddenly, now you’ve got this other role that you’re not used to. Right. And it’s a definite shift. And you have to really consciously be aware of the shift. And, you know, to remind yourself, hey, I’m the Mimi here. I’m the grandparent. It is not my role to do, you know, whatever, whatever it is. It’s the parent’s role. So you have to remind yourself of that. I think it’s important to remember, you know, where you are, what, you know, what your role is. It’s a supportive and encouraging role as you partner with your adult children.
SPEAKER 06 :
All right. So what do you mean when you say that women are the kin keepers?
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, that is the grandma or the woman, the mom in the family who really maintains the relationships. Typically, that is the women in the family are really the ones that… normally or typically are the ones that keep the relationships going. They’re the ones that might remember the birthdays or organize the various Christmas traditions. Take the pictures. How many pictures do you have of yourself? We have a million of our kids, a million of our grandkids, a million of everyone. You know, the papas. But somehow the women aren’t necessarily in the pictures as much because they’re taking the pictures. Oh, my goodness.
SPEAKER 06 :
I have over 70,000 pictures on my camera phone. And when somebody needed a picture of me, I was like going through like hundreds, thousands of pictures trying to find a picture of me because I don’t really take pictures of myself. I take them generally the kids or there might be like a few family photos in there. But I never take a picture of just me.
SPEAKER 03 :
Exactly, because we’re the kin keepers. We are the ones that maybe keep the history of the family and document things with the photographs and work on the relationships. We can be such great bridge builders. And I think it’s important for mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws in particular to remember that we have a wonderful role in continuing to build the relationship bridge. Because for some reason, the guys, maybe it’s by God’s design, they… they aren’t as likely to be the bridge builders, you know, and the daughters, the daughters, the moms, the mother-in-laws and the daughter-in-laws, us women are the ones that typically reach out and, and really work on those relationships.
SPEAKER 06 :
All right. In terms of being a grand blessing, what are some of the elements in being a grand blessing?
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh, To be able to speak wonderful messages over your grandkids. Yes. And I think one of there’s like three that I think are super important for our grandkids to know and to be blessed by for them to know that they are loved and lovable. And isn’t that such a blessing to know that no matter what they do, it doesn’t matter. They are loved and lovable, that they are capable. God gave them wonderful gifts and abilities. And I had said to my three-year-old grandson, I said, Owee, you are so good at details. God has given you such a great mind to notice details. You’re very good at that. And he kind of looked at me a little bit and said, And then a little while later in the day, he came up to me and he said, Mimi, now what am I good at again? And I said, you are so good at noticing details. So find the thing that those kids are good at and talk to them about it and encourage them in how capable they are. Even with your older grandkids, you can still give that same message. You just tweak it a little bit. and talk to them about their God-given gifts and abilities and how capable they are and let them teach you something. If they’re into flying drones or into dinosaurs, whatever it might be, give them an opportunity to teach you something. And then also let them know that because the world is telling them that everything is just chaos and it’s just evolution. let them know that they are created on purpose for a purpose and that god has given them these gifts and abilities and loves them unconditionally so that they can glorify him in the purpose that may come about as they as they age my son when he was younger he would say well i know what i want to be when i grow up i want to be either a pastor or a football player And he said, there’s a problem. There’s a problem, mom. And I said, well, what’s the problem? And he said, well, they both work on Sunday.
SPEAKER 04 :
Oh my gosh. That’s so funny.
SPEAKER 03 :
So, so cute. You know, so we can look at their passions and really help them because the passions are the thing that are really going to steer their purpose. And that may end up changing over time. Now, my son isn’t either a pastor or, football player, but he coaches his son’s football team and he is highly involved in his men’s Bible study. So the passions are still there, but the purpose just got tweaked a little bit.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yeah, I love that. I love that. All right. So for people, you know, reading your book, I think that they will end up being a better grandparent and I would love to have a website for people to find your book.
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh, thank you. So they can go to LoriWildenberg.com, L-O-R-I-W-I-L-D-E-N-B-E-R-G.com. Also, you can find it on any of the online stores. I’m going to say probably the most typical one that people go to is Amazon. And look for Grandparents Make Grand Partners, How to Have an Eternal Impact on Your Grandchild’s Life.
SPEAKER 06 :
Oh, what a blessing. Thank you, Lori.
SPEAKER 03 :
Thank you so much for having me, Angie. This was a great conversation and very fun.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yes, I agree. Thank you.
SPEAKER 02 :
Thank you for listening to The Good News with Angie Austin on AM670 KLTT.
