If you are quick to listen and you are slow to speak, you will be slow to get angry. On the other hand, if you have a trigger temper and you get angry really fast, I’ll tell you why. It’s because you’re not quick to listen and you’re not slow to speak. How many times have I told you God gave you two ears and one mouth? You should always listen twice as much as you speak. Thanks for tuning in to Daily Hope with Pastor Rick Warren. I know a lot of people think that having the good life is looking good and having the goods. But Pastor Rick says trusting in material wealth and health is not enough to overcome that sense of hopelessness so many people feel deep down inside. As we continue with this new series called The Keys to a Blessed Life, you’re gonna learn how you can have peace and fulfillment in your life, your work, and your relationships. In just a few moments, we’re gonna tell you how you can get this complete audio series. You can find out more by going to rickworn.org or by texting the word daily to 313131 while you listen to the message. Right now, here’s Pastor Rick Warren with part three of a message called How to Reconcile a Relationship. So the first cause of conflict, the Bible makes it very clear, is self-centered, selfishness. The second cause of conflict is pride. We pride, I’m stubborn and in pride I get my feelings hurt easily. Humble people don’t get their feelings hurt. Prideful people do. They get their feelings hurt all the time. And so my ego gets wounded. Then we have conflict. Proverbs 13, 10 says this. Pride, let’s read it aloud together. Pride only leads to arguments. And where is that verse found? Proverbs 13, 10. Now, that’s such a short verse. That’s gonna be our memory verse this week. So we can learn this one. You can use this one. So let’s say it aloud together. Proverbs 13, 10, pride only leads to arguments. And where is that? Proverbs 13, 10. You’re gonna need this one. By the way, what’s this Proverbs 13, 10 say? Pride only leads to arguments. And where is that found? Proverbs 13, 10. That was the first verse that Kay and I memorized in our marriage. We memorized it on the honeymoon. Why? Because we needed it on the honeymoon. We were already at each other’s throats fighting on the honeymoon. We are so different. I wanna do this and I wanna do that and you wanna do this, you wanna do that. We had to memorize that verse before a week of our marriage was up. And it has helped us many, many times. Pride only leads to arguments. Now, think of a conflict you’re in right now. And if you’re in a log jam and maybe you’ve been in this conflict with your mother, your father, your wife or husband or friend or something, you’ve been in it for years and you’re in a log jam and you think nothing is ever happening. There’s no movement. We’re not making any progress. I am going to give you a secret miracle sentence that will break any log jam in any argument. Guarantee, I guarantee you this. This is a secret sentence that will break a log jam in any conflict. If you’ll use it. Are you ready? Here it is. I’m sorry, I was only thinking of myself. (Laughter) Now when your spouse wakes up from fainting, you can say it again, I’m sorry, I was only thinking of myself and they’ll faint again. When they wake up, then you can actually start dealing with, when was the last time you said that to somebody? Have you ever said that in your marriage? No. And yet how many times were you only thinking of yourself on a daily basis? That is a miracle phrase. You need to memorize and get over your pride, which causes conflict, and begin to say, “In somebody, your husband or your wife says something to you and you start to get defensive about it and distant and demanding, you just say, ‘I’m sorry, I was only thinking of myself.’ And you watch the balloon, the air come out of that balloon and the pride and the ego just kind of shrinks down.” Now the reason you need to learn to say that is because you have what’s called blind spots in your life. The blind spots are the weaknesses you don’t see in your life. You have a lot of weaknesses that you know about and you know about those weaknesses in your life. Those aren’t blind spots because you can see them. The blind spots are the weaknesses you can’t see. That’s why they’re called blind spots because you can’t see them. You have weaknesses in your life. You have never seen. Now we all see them. Wings are in real clearly. Wings see your weaknesses really clear. You don’t have to defend them because you don’t even know they’re there. They are your blind spots. That’s why you need other people in your life who can actually point out to you what you cannot see. Your blind spots. Those are weaknesses. You don’t even have any idea. You’re clueless that you have that weakness. That’s why you need to come to conflict with a humble heart and you begin with your own faults. Here’s what Jesus says. Notice this verse. Matthew 7 verses 3 and 5. Same sermon on the Mount. Jesus, why do you notice the little speck of dust in your friend’s eye? But you don’t notice the big piece of wood in your own eye. First take the wood out of your own eye and then you’ll be able to see clearly the blind spots to take the dust out of your friend’s eye. Now guys, you don’t understand this because 2,000 years later we don’t understand Hebrew humor but that sense is joke. It’s humor. You may not realize this but the sermon on the Mount is filled with laugh lines. Jesus told a lot of jokes and he used a lot of humor in his preaching. We just don’t understand it because we don’t think in Hebrew humor from 2,000 years ago. The rest of today’s message is coming your way in just a few moments but first if you’d like to connect with Rick on Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn just go to RickWoron.org and click on his social media links. Or while you’re at it, go ahead and sign up for his free Daily Hope email devotional and take a look at all the other helpful resources. Again, that’s RickWoron.org or just text the word daily to 313131. That’s the word daily to 313131. The second half of today’s lesson is coming up. Hey, if you’re enjoying this series in today’s message but you’ve got a long day in the office ahead of you, kids to pick up or meals to cook, then let us send you a copy of this entire series which includes eight full-length teachings from Pastor Rick. That way you can listen from start to finish or just a little at a time whenever it’s convenient for you. And you can always go back and listen as often as you want. Today when you support Daily Hope with a financial gift, we’ll give you the choice of either an eight audio CD box set or downloadable high quality MP3s. Well today, 800-6004 or visit RickWoron.org to get your copy of this series. That’s 800-600-5004 or RickWoron.org. Thanks so much for your support. When you contact us, remember to ask for the keys to a blessed life, complete audio series by Pastor Rick Worn. Once again, here’s Rick. Jesus told a lot of jokes and he used a lot of humor in his preaching. We just don’t understand it because we don’t think in Hebrew humor from 2000 years ago. Hebrew humor is humor by exaggeration. And so Jesus is when he would tell stuff, he would often throw in a laugh line. The sermon amounts filled with some funny stuff. We just don’t get it. For instance, when Jesus says, “You’ve heard this one, it’s easier for the camel, a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich man to hold on to his money and to get into heaven.” Now when Jesus said that, they died laughing. They go, “Oh, Lord, that’s a good one, a camel going through an eye of an needle.” Yeah, right. That’s obviously impossible. And they’re like, “Oh, Lord, that you’re too funny, that’s hilarious.” When Jesus says, “Hey, you know those religious leaders over there, they strain at a nap.” And then they swallow a camel. “Oh, Lord, you’re killing me, Lord. That’s too much. This guy should be on Comedy Club. Try the liver. I’m here to Friday. It’s great. “Oh, Lord, that’s just you’ve been strained at a nap and swallow.” It’s a funny line. Now we don’t get it. We’re going now. The meaning, Greek meaning of the word “naught.” Right over our heads. Totally oblivious to what Jesus is using humor and sarcasm to make the point. And here he said, “Hey guys, before you get the speck of sawdust out of your wife’s eye, why don’t you get the telephone pole out of yours?” “Oh, Lord, you’re killing me. Oh, you and my wife, please stop. I’m dying. I’m dying.” You know, he’s telling humor. Now here’s the point. He’s saying, “You need to confess your part of the conflict first.” So I need to say, when I come to you in this piece of thing, I don’t start with you. I don’t start with all the ways you’ve hurt me. I don’t, we’ll get to that. We’ll get to that. But I just start with me. And I go, “Have I been unrealistic?” And I’m asking myself. Am I being insensitive? That’s cause conflict. Am I being over-sensitive? That’s cause conflict. Am I being ungrateful? And I just haven’t showed gratitude to this person. And that’s hurting. Am I being over-demanding? You just do an honest evaluation. You say, “What are my blind spots?” All right? Then, once you’ve done that, you’ve confessed your part of the problem. Number four, I listen for their hurt and perspective. I listen for their hurt and their perspective. Now, it’s very important you’re listening for hurt because there’s always hurt in a conflict. We think we argue over ideas, but we actually argue over emotion. We argue over feelings. And anytime there’s a conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt. They felt abused. Somebody felt slided. It’s not the idea that causes the conflict. It’s the emotion behind the idea. How many times have you heard me say, “Hurt people, hurt people?” In other words, the more I’m hurting, the more I lash out at everybody else. People aren’t hurting, don’t hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving to others. People who are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who are at peace are at peace with everybody else. But if I’m hurting inside, I’m going to hurt you. And the more I hurt, the more I’m going to hurt you, the more I’m going to lash out. The people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least. The people who are most obnoxious and irritating and just, you don’t even want to be around those are people who need massive doses of love. Hurt people, hurt people. I mean, my mom hurt me. You need to know why she was hurting. My dad hurt me. You need to know the hurt that caused him to hurt you. Hurt people, hurt people. Now, I want to tell you this principle. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a marriage or if it’s in the marketplace or if it’s in the Middle East, when people feel they’re not listened to, when people feel slided, when people are robbed of their dignity, they get mad. Doesn’t matter if it’s on the border or if it’s in Ukraine or anywhere else that there’s a conflict, when people feel their dignity is destroyed, when people feel they’re not being listened to, they’re not being paid attention to, they’re not being valued, they get mad. Like a cat pushed back into a corner. And if you want to connect with people, you must start with their needs, their hurts and their interest. You want to be a good salesman? You don’t start with your product. You start with their need, their hurts and their entrance. You want to be a good professor or pastor or you start with their needs, their hurts, their interest. Not what you have to share, but what they need. And if you want to connect with people, that’s where it starts. So you listen for their hurt and you’re actually listening behind the words. It’s not what they say in an argument that you need to listen. You need to listen to the emotion behind the words. The emotions are more important because people will say one thing, but they’re feeling something else. Like, how you doing? I’m fine. I’m fine means I’m not fine in a lot of cases. James chapter 1 verse 19 says this, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.” Now if you do the first two, the third is automatic. If you are quick to listen and you are slow to speak, you will be slow to get angry. On the other hand, if you have a trigger temper and you get angry really fast, I’ll tell you why. Because you’re not quick to listen and you’re not slow to speak. In fact, you’re quick to speak and slow to listen. And that’s why you get angry. How many times have I told you God gave you two ears and one mouth, you should always listen twice as much as you speak? And this is the next step in conflict management. You listen to their hurt and you listen to their perspective because you don’t know their perspective. That’s why there’s conflict. You should have right this down. Always listen before speaking. Always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, listen before speaking. This is the key to diffusing conflict. You listen before you speak and then people feel validated when your ears are actually love organs. Because when you speak, you’re showing love by listening to them. Now, so are your eyes. When you look at people and you pay attention, you’re saying, you matter to me, you’re valuable, you’re worth my attention. Philippians 2, 4 and 5 says this. Each of you should look. Circle the word look. We’ll come back to that a minute. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others. And your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. What is he saying? Intentionally switch your focus from your needs to their, to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with the way you look at the situation, the way you see it. That word look there, said, don’t just look at your own needs. Look at the needs of the person you’re having a problem with. That word look is the Greek word, scopos. We get the word microscope. You look at little things that you don’t normally see. Tell us, go, you look at stars, you can’t see that close. Scopos means to focus, focus. And it says your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ. You are most like Jesus when you’re focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own. You are most like Jesus when you’re focusing on the hurts of somebody else, your child, your wife, your dad, your client, when you’re focusing on somebody else’s hurts and you study your own, that’s when you’re like Jesus. When Jesus is on the cross, dying for the sins of all mankind, he’s not focusing on his pain. He’s saying, Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing. He’s still focusing on us, even in the middle of his pain. So he says, focus, scopos, try to see their perspective. Before you go mouth and off on your hurt, your need, those are legitimate, but go ahead and first try to focus on their perspective. How do you do that? By paying attention. There’s an old Chinese parable, a proverb that says, seek to understand before seeking to be understood. That’s what Jesus is saying here. He’s saying before, you see, we are so busy trying to get the person we’re in conflict with, to see our position, we’re not listening to theirs. We’re so busy speaking, we’re not listening to theirs. And we’re, as a result, we move further and further away. Now, let’s just take an example. The people that you work with, and you have some people you work with, and they think that one person, they are so irritating to me. Every time I get around them, my blood starts to boil. I just don’t even like being around them. And the reason why is you don’t scopos. You don’t see their circumstance. You don’t see their temperament, and you don’t see their background. The people that you work with, the more you understand them, the more patient you’re going to be. The less you understand the people you work with, the more impatient you’re going to be. Why? Because human nature, when you’re working with people, that you tend, we tend to judge how far people have to go. We look at it and go, man, they got a long way to go before they start being mature. Instead of looking at how far they’ve come. When you look at how far they’ve come, then you start cutting them some slack. And if you scopos, you actually take the time to get to know that jerk and find out their temperament, their background, and the things that they’re going through, their pressures, you cut them some slack. You go, man, if I had a father like that, I’d probably be irritating too. If I had gone through all the difficulty they went through, if I had experienced that kind of prejudice, if I had experienced that kind of bigotry, if I had understood the hurt, if I had that hurt in my life, I probably wouldn’t be as far along as they are. Not looking at how far people have to go. And start looking at how far people have come. And then you’re listening for their hurt and their perspective. Now there are two areas, the Bible says, that you are commanded by God to be patient with, to be understanding with, and to be considerate of when you’re dealing with anybody else. It’s in Romans chapter 15, verse 2. We must be considerate of the doubts and fears of others, circle doubts and fears. Let’s please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good, and thus build him up in the Lord. Anytime somebody does something that you go, that doesn’t make sense. Why in the world are they doing that? It’s almost always a fear. And if you just look at their behavior, you’re going to be quite judgmental. But if you look at their fear and you find it out, you’re going to be a whole lot more understanding. We are going to be considerate of the doubts and fears of others. That’ll make you more patient. Now here’s the problem. My fears are perfectly rational and entirely normal. Their fears are stupid. They’re irrational. They don’t make sense. And that’s the way we feel. My fears, there’s a legitimate reason why I’m afraid of this, and you ought to be afraid too. That’s Pastor Rick Warren. And you’re listening to Daily Hope. Rick will be back in just a moment with a closing thought, but first, if you’d like to connect with Rick on Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn, just go to RickWoron.org and click on his social media links. Oh, and while you’re at it, go ahead and sign up for his free Daily Hope email devotional and take a look at all the other helpful resources. Again, that’s RickWoron.org or just text the word Daily to 313131. That’s the word Daily to 313131. And now here’s Pastor Rick with a closing thought. Isaiah 55 verses 8 and 9, God says this, “My thoughts are completely different from yours,” says the Lord. And my ways of thinking are far beyond anything you could imagine, for just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts. If you’re serious about having God’s blessing on your life and God’s blessing on your work and God’s blessing on your relationships and your finances and everything else, you have to learn to do things differently than the culture around you. Now get this, “To be blessed by God in unusual ways, you must think and act in unusual ways.” In other words, in ways that are different from how you’ve been taught. In fact, so many of our problems come from trying to do things our ways, instead of God’s ways. The problem is that we live our lives in ways that prevent God’s blessing and block God’s blessing and hinder God’s blessing on our lives. Problem isn’t with God. The problem is with us. The Bible says in the book of Proverbs, “There’s a way that seems right to men, but in the end it leads to death. Our ways lead to dead ends. God’s ways lead to blessing and to life.” As a pastor, “I want God to bless your life. I want God to bless your finances, your relationship, your health, so I want you to know what brings his blessings.” I’m really excited to share this new series, “The Keys to a Bless Life” from the words of Jesus. It could change the rest of your life just as my life was changed when I learned these principles. And may this series bless the rest of your life. Thanks. If you’re enjoying these messages and you’d like to hear them again or share them with a friend, then let us send you a copy of this entire series which includes eight full-length audio teachings from Pastor Rick. Today, when you support Daily Hope with a financial gift, we’ll give you the choice of either an eight audio CD box set or high quality downloadable MP3s. Request yours today by calling 800-600-5400-4. This program is sponsored by Daily Hope Ministries and your generous financial support.
