Join Angie as she welcomes Chuck and Ashley Elliott, who provide valuable guidance on handling anger and managing family dynamics. Discover effective strategies to promote listening and understanding within the family, as Chuck and Ashley share their experience in marriage coaching. They discuss the significance of setting clear expectations and creating routines to reduce familial tensions, offering practical advice that listeners can readily apply to their own lives.
Welcome to the Good News with Angie Austin. Now, with the Good News, here’s Angie.
SPEAKER 06 :
Hello there, the Good News with Angie Austin and Jim Stovall. Today we are talking about his Winner’s Wisdom column, and this week it’s titled Consistency. Welcome, Jim.
SPEAKER 03 :
Hey, it is always great to be with you.
SPEAKER 06 :
So, you had a good weekend?
SPEAKER 03 :
I had a great weekend, and, you know, I always thank God it’s Friday, and then… Then I thank God it’s Monday. You know, the weekends are just about right.
SPEAKER 06 :
I love that. All right, so what are you teaching us this weekend in the article titled Consistency?
SPEAKER 03 :
Well, we don’t succeed based on what we can do for an hour or a day or a week or even a month. We succeed based on what we can do over a long period of time. And we need to always remember in the fable about the tortoise and the hare that The turtle wins. And, you know, it’s hard for us to keep that in our mind because we’re constantly bombarded with, you know, you can lose 80 pounds, be a millionaire and find your true love by a week from Tuesday. And those messages come to us in ads and cable TV and on the Internet and everywhere else. And it just doesn’t work. And we grew up with this adage that practice makes perfect. Just practice and you’ll be perfect. Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes you consistent. If you practice something wrong, you will reinforce that and you will consistently do it wrong. When I became a weightlifter and I started training for eventually becoming an Olympic weightlifting champion, but when I first started training with my coach, we didn’t lift weights. He gave me a broomstick. And for the first eight weeks, I did nothing but work on technique. Wow. Just with this broomstick. Wow. And, you know, I complained. I said, Jake, why do we have to do this? And he said, son, the time to find out you’re doing it wrong is not when you’re holding 500 pounds over your head. Let’s learn with the broomstick. And, you know, then when I found out how to lift weights properly, I can remember working out in a number of gyms and places with serious athletes and weightlifters, and it was amazing to watch how many of them did the exercises improperly. And the more you do that, the more you’re going to reinforce doing it wrong. And so it’s important when you start doing something, make sure you’re doing it right and make sure you do it consistently, but the thing you want to do. And then it’s a matter of what can you live with long-term. Everybody goes on these scorched earth budgets where they don’t spend a dime or the subsistence diet where they’re going to eat 800 calories and lose weight. And, you know, those work for about two or three weeks until you get sick of everything in the world, and then you end up being more broke and more overweight than you were before. You know, really, it’s not a matter of what can you do short term. It’s a matter of what can you live with for the rest of your life. And those are the differences that really are plausible for most people.
SPEAKER 06 :
boy, what a smart trainer because you think about, you know, I even ask you if you have pains because, you know, an Olympic weightlifter, I just assumed that you’d had back surgery and knee surgery and, you know, all these things. And you said you’re relatively pain-free, which for an athlete, for you to not have the serious injuries from being a professional weightlifter is kind of mind-boggling.
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, I feel very fortunate. I mean, you know, I’m 65 years old and now I don’t lift weights like I used to, but, uh, Today, a good workout for me is getting my luggage into the overhead bin on the aircraft. I feel pretty good about that. But, no, it’s, you know, and I do work out still. But the workout I do now, I laugh sometimes. That was a good warm-up before we started, you know, back at the day. But, hey. you know, I do different things now.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yeah. Things changed. Uh, but yeah, I do think about all the people who do have back injuries. I mean, I think my husband who’s really tall, I think he, um, doing squats for his back and he said he knew the moment he did it, that he heard something. So he too sees kids in the gym and he’s like, Oh my gosh, you’re going to regret that later. Like, but you know, people aren’t always open to, you know, advice when they’re working out. That’s for sure. So fortunately you had a good trainer.
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah. And, uh, For those listening that may want to try something new, I work out now instead of with weights with these bands, these rubber band things. They’re giant. And I find that I can do the same muscle exercises, but you don’t put the strain on your joints like you did with weights. And the amazing thing is when you lift weights, the closer you get to full extension, the easier it is. With the bands, the closer you get to fully extended, the harder it gets, and it gives you a better workout. It’s really amazing technology, and you can go online. There’s a lot of places to look at it, but if someone’s going to make a mistake in how they work out, I’d much rather them be doing it with a rubber band than… than a lot of weight that they can’t control.
SPEAKER 06 :
Well, if that doesn’t sell you, I’m sure a lot of people know Tom Brady used his bands and did when he was, you know, the top of his game as a quarterback. And he has a book out that explains how to use the bands or how he used them. And I think some of his diet as well. But anyway, I bought the bands for maybe $10. You can get stronger ones if you want. Jim would use a thicker band than I would use. I found a couple that I really like. I think I told you I try to walk. It used to be 10,000 steps a day. I’d say maybe I’m 8,000. Anyway, when I walk, I use the bands above my head and do my shoulders. I work my arms. I don’t really walk at the fastest clip, but I’m getting resistance training for my upper body while I’m walking and working my lower body.
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, and when you go on a trip, I mean, I can throw my bands into my carry-on, and they’re a little tiny. I mean, it doesn’t take up any room, and that’s my whole workout. And, you know, I know people that try to be disciplined and go to the gym, and if that works, you know, hey, God bless you, it’s wonderful. But for most people, you know, three or four days a week to just… Get changed, leave the house, drive somewhere, work out, clean up, come home. You know, just that process. Forget the workout. Just the commute back and forth makes it impractical. And with my bands, I have no excuse. I do them in the morning while I’m listening to motivational things I listen to in the morning. And there’s just no excuse. I don’t even know how to listen to audio in the morning without… work in a band one way or the other yeah yeah it just becomes that that habit that million dollar habit they talk about of things that you know improve your life all right what else do you want us to learn from consistency well i you know success leaves footprints and you need to you know if you want to get to the top of the mountain don’t ask someone standing at the bottom what their opinion is ask someone coming down from the top and when you meet successful people You know, just ask, what’s your morning routine? What are you reading these days? Or what matters to you? If you were starting over today, what would you do? And start to form those kind of habits. And don’t take advice from people that don’t have what you want. Or don’t ask directions from someone that hasn’t been where you want to go. And if you’ll keep those things in mind, then you’ll be practicing the right things. Because practice of the wrong things will just reinforce that into your life. But practicing the right things can just change everything in the future.
SPEAKER 06 :
And we’ve talked, too, about that consistency and muscle memory in the article you talk about. In the cockpit, you hear the pilots go through their routine and checking items off on a list. And I know from one of my college communication courses how they say things twice to make sure that they heard it correctly. They repeat the instructions that they’ve been given as they’re in the air to make sure that they didn’t mishear something. And then when you talk about that muscle memory, we’ve talked about like my kids. And you said if you get on the free throw line, even though you’re blind, that you can hit free throw after free throw because it’s such muscle memory. And, you know, with one of my kids being a basketball player, you know, she works on that all the time. And I don’t know if you’ve been watching the Nuggets play at all because last night.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah.
SPEAKER 06 :
There’s a really good shooter, Gobert, but he misses his free throws. And, like, it doesn’t make sense to me. I’m like, how can – I mean, those guys on that – I mean, I’m, of course, a Nugget fan. But those guys on that Timberwolf team, I can’t believe how many of them are good shooters. But how can you shoot a three, but you can’t shoot a free throw? But that whole muscle memory thing we’ve talked about, like, he’s never gotten it down, I guess.
SPEAKER 03 :
Well, and it’s funny being here in Oklahoma. I’m a fan of the Oklahoma City Thunder, and they played Denver quite often. I mean, I’ve heard our announcers say about Gobert, when he’s hitting those three-point shots, would somebody just foul him? Because if you foul him, he’s going to miss the free throws. But if you leave him out there, he’s going to hit that three-point shot. And why that’s possible is just beyond me. I just cannot imagine it. But the But somehow he has gotten into that mold, and it’s hard to imagine. But if we’re going to succeed, we have to have the right habits. And the better you can do it, you just don’t even think about it. I was writing a scene for one of my novels the other day, and I told one of the ladies, tell me everything you do when you get in your car to drive out of your driveway. Well, you just get in, and you back out, and you go into the street. Well, no, you don’t. I mean, I don’t drive, but I know you’ve got to put the key in and you’ve got to put it in reverse and you’ve got to look behind you. And she said, oh, yeah, yeah, I never think about all that stuff. And it’s amazing to me that I ride around all day every day with people who are going 60 miles an hour and they’re not thinking about it. They don’t think about it. But that’s where we perform at our best is when we get everything done. But, you know, when you think about when you’re getting ready in the morning, you’re getting dressed and doing all your stuff. If somebody interrupts your morning routine or something’s moved or you have to go look for something, all of a sudden it’s hard to get back into. And, you know, you may get out of the house without your shoes on because you’re not used to thinking about, I’ve got to put my shoes on. And those are the kind of things when you can make everything a habit that really, really matters to you. It’s going to be great. And, by the way, it works with your spouse, with your kids too. Get in the habit of never leaving your house without telling people that you love them. And, you know, people say, well, doesn’t that get boring? Well, I don’t know. I mean, Crystal and I will be married 43 years next month, and I’m not bored yet. So, you know, the time to tell your spouse you love them is before somebody else does.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yes, yes. You know, when you talk about that routine, I was just listening to somebody about making, you know, very good decisions to be successful financially and in life and talks about the fewer decisions you can make, the less time you spend, you know, thinking about decisions and the more routine you have in your life. It just is less taxing on your brain and frees you up for with energy for the big decisions. If you automatically work out, like you said, if you automatically eat healthy things, if you automatically say, I love you when you leave the house, you automatically check the lights and your rear view mirror before you leave in your car. But a lot of these things that many of us that don’t have a routine, I’m bad about establishing routines. We spend a lot of time thinking about, oh, should I get up and walk the dogs or should I do this or do that? Whereas if I had a routine and I did specific things every day at approximately the same time or at least follow that pattern in the morning, it would lead to a more successful life, I believe, with these routines. And I think with kids who are students, you know, one thing I think I lacked in was really overseeing them with a study routine, like forcing it upon them. Because I was so self-motivated as a student, I didn’t really… put a routine on them per se but routines definitely lead to I think a higher level of success in life.
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh absolutely and if you look at the people that are and you read the biographies of the great people who’ve developed thoughts whether it’s Sir Isaac Newton or Albert Einstein or Henry Ford or Thomas Edison they had a tendency to be very habitual people. It was Edison who basically had seven or eight suits that were identical, and he would just wear the next one every day. And he would go to the same restaurant, order the same thing every day. And it wasn’t that he was boring. It was simply he had a million things on his mind, and he didn’t think about those mundane things. So I’m not advocating you don’t think about what you eat or what you wear. What I am saying is the more you can take the decisions out of your hands… You know, like we’ve done here in America. You get up in the morning, you brush your teeth. And there’s just no question about it. You brush your teeth. And, you know, you don’t have to think about it. It just happens at a certain point in the routine. And the more you can put on autopilot the things that will make you successful, the better you are. That’s why I always tell people you should invest on an automatic withdrawal. Don’t even think about it. It comes out of your account every month, and it goes into the investment account.
SPEAKER 05 :
I love that.
SPEAKER 03 :
You know, that way you make one good decision one time. You don’t have to make a thousand decisions. You make one. And you have to actively do something to not invest. And that’s where you really start to have success, when you can just put it on autopilot.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yes, yes. All right, jimstervall.com. Steve Jobs did that, too, with the black turtleneck and the jeans for the same thing every day. Thank you, friend. Thank you.
SPEAKER 01 :
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SPEAKER 06 :
Hey there, friend. Angie Austin here with the good news. The good news, Chuck and Ashley Elliott are joining us again. And their book is I Used to Be, How to Navigate Large and Small Losses in Life and Find Your Path Forward. And you guys also do a lot of work with families, couples in particular, right?
SPEAKER 05 :
Yes, we do. We do a lot of marriage coaching. And something cool about it is we get to meet with couples, the both of us, Chuck and Ashley, together with a couple. So all four of us sit down and work through things.
SPEAKER 06 :
I love that. Does that work pretty well, having the husband and wife with the husband and wife?
SPEAKER 02 :
Yeah, it seems like people like to have both people’s perspectives, so they don’t just get a woman ganging up, two women ganging up on the guy, or two guys ganging up on the girl.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yeah, I actually like that. It’s a great idea. It’s a great business model, too. It’s like, look, you want to work with a guy, you want to work with a gal, here we are, you get two for the price of one.
SPEAKER 05 :
Yep, yep, and you make a lot more progress, we find, because you get a man’s point of view on it, and we find that, oh, I can see something maybe in the session that Ashley wouldn’t have seen if it would have just been her, and then vice versa as well.
SPEAKER 06 :
Okay, last time we spoke, I wanted to talk about anger. I’ve got a couple of friends who are dealing with anger and anger issues involving whether it be their teenagers or reactions from the parents. We have that in our own house. I’m not proud to admit this, but we are a bit of a yelling family. I don’t know where it came from because… I did grow up in a really dysfunctional family. My husband did not. He yells. My mom lives here. She yells. The kids yell. And I won’t yell right away, but my husband’s like a lighter. He can go off immediately. It takes me longer for my lighter to go off, but eventually I will. And we’ve got three teenagers in the house, so… It’s an interesting dynamic with the five pets, the three kids, the mother-in-law, and my husband who runs a startup company. So he’s under a lot of stress. So, yeah, let’s talk a little bit about that.
SPEAKER 05 :
That’s all in your house? Yes. That’s all in your house. Wait a second. How many animals and how many kids? Say that again, please.
SPEAKER 06 :
Okay. We have three teenagers, 15, 16, almost 17, and 18. They’re all in high school. They’re all in club sports, so we travel a lot. And my mom, who’s 82, she’s a handful. I guess when I heard the kids doing – my son was doing vocabulary words, and here’s the total definition of me and my mom. He goes, oh, I know what pessimist is. Okay, mom’s an optimist and grandma’s a pessimist. So – That’s my mom. And then she’s real friendly, but she’s a little bit of a sour egg. I give her three minutes to complain a day. I set like a timer. And then my husband, who’s wonderful, high energy, really involved with the kids. But we all know he’s a hothead. So I’ll even reach my hand to the back seat and do that calm down motion with my hands where I’m trying to tell them to be quiet. Because if he yells, then they yell. And then he yells louder. And then they yell louder. And it’s a lot. especially if you’re in the car with them. So I always try to, I’m trying to teach them, like, that’s not the time to challenge your dad. You have to talk to your dad when he’s calm. You cannot do it now. Like, watch how mommy does it. And then I’ll be like, all right, well, let’s just, you know, and then I try to like, you know, calm the water. So I know a lot of people with teens and with kids like you guys, you know, that it can get very heated. We have a great life, but there’s a lot of moving parts.
SPEAKER 02 :
Yeah. And the, the yelling oftentimes escalates things. So it’s again, like we’re trying to deescalate and I hear that, that you’re saying you’re like putting your hand back saying, okay, let’s bring it down because we don’t want things to get out of control or to feel tense in our family. So one of the tools that we use, we actually have a worksheet for this, but we try to just really help people build awareness. And so if you go, why do I yell? Cause in my family, we yelled, my mom would yell to say dinner. And then all of a sudden it was like, i said dinner right in my room with my door closed studying i didn’t know that i needed to be in trouble for that and so we we’ve just found okay it’s not always effective to yell but i find myself kind of going back to it so one of the tools i’ve used for myself and i use with clients as well to help people gain understanding like why do i yell why am i doing this like there’s function in the dysfunction so there’s good about it so what’s the good okay i get the kids attention Sometimes when I just talk normal, they don’t listen. And so I will just try to go, okay, what are the things that are working? Okay, I need to get their attention. So how do I get their attention in different ways? So that’s one of the thoughts that I’ll do. And then I also say, I don’t feel good about this in the long run. So how can I get myself to try other things? So in the worksheet, the first thing is to be aware. And so I have a question is like, what is it that you want to change? And then we go through the second A is to assess. And we say, what have you tried? What’s worked and what hasn’t? And what could you try in the future?
SPEAKER 05 :
And then once you get that list of things, you make a choice of one of the things that you could try in the future and you try it. And then you keep on problem solving because anger is often a cap emotion because you’re it’s revealing something that you care about that’s being violated. So with me, we have three sons. And if one of my kiddos is being disrespectful and I feel myself getting angry, I’m getting angry because I value respect. Yeah. Yes. They’re not showing it. So what do we need to do to get respect? Because what do I want? I want respect. I don’t want to be angry and I don’t want them to be disrespectful. So let’s problem solve and go through these three A’s to problem solve and see how do we get respect.
SPEAKER 06 :
Okay, so I like the idea of problem solving and figuring out how to react rather than the yelling. Because one of my girlfriends who’s a counselor told me when yelling starts, listening stops. And so that’s the last thing I want is them to stop listening to me, right? And so with that said, what have you found in your counseling work with families and couples and in your own family? What have you found that works? Because I think, Chuck, that really hits the nail on the head with my husband. Since he trains them every day for their sports… and since like they were up at 5 30 this morning they go to the gym then they’ll and shoot baskets and then tonight they’ll um they’ll lift together and so when the girls don’t do what he uh my son’s he’s 18 now so it’s not he’s not quite as involved in all that training um when the girls don’t do what he taught them and he’s in the stands he gets mad he left the game yesterday and said like He was just irritated. And I said, can’t we just enjoy the game? He’s like, you’re not as invested as I am. Like, it’s kind of a respect thing or like appreciating his time, like how much he puts in that he wants them to kind of follow through on some of the things they’ve worked through on training per se. So what have you guys found that works? It’s like we don’t want to yell like you had in your family, actually. So what are some other options?
SPEAKER 02 :
Continuing on with the sports example, I might have been telling myself during a soccer game the other day, I need to care less. I need to care less. I need to care less. Because I hear your husband has invested and he cares so much that he’s getting mad. And so to me, I was going to myself like, why am I carrying so much? And it’s because it sometimes represents us. That could be a thing like, yes, if my kid looks bad, then it makes me look bad. Or it could be, you know, I just really want my kid to obey me. And that is so you’re looking at like, what is it that is really irking me about it or what’s frustrating me? And that will tell you some of the hidden needs. And then you can go, how do I meet that in other ways? Sometimes it’s a mental reassurance, like I said. It is OK. And so we were reframing like my kid is doing really well in this one thing. And it’s different whenever you are in different seasons or different situations. And so giving yourself grace to say what works today may not work the next day. But that’s part of the worksheet gives you some affirmation. You go, I have tried a lot of things. So if you were to say, like, well, what could you do in this situation? If your husband were to do this worksheet, I’m happy to send it to you. But if he were to do this worksheet and say, I really want to connect with my kids and help them to do well in sports and I want them to do well. And then I also don’t want to get angry. How is it that he’s tried to manage that? So one thing that’s worked for me was literally writing it down on a post-it note every time I yelled. I’m going to make myself have this walk of shame to the refrigerator. And I did a tally. And in one sense, I was embarrassed. But in the other sense, I realized, oh, I actually don’t yell that much. I actually only yelled a couple of times a day. The first day, I think it was three times. And the next day, I yelled twice. The next day, I think I didn’t yell at all. Maybe I yelled once. And then I went a few days. And so As I built up confidence, I go, oh, I’m not as much of a yelling crazy person as I feel like I am. And that built momentum. And so, again, for me, that was one thing that I’d never done. So I’m trying to just build awareness to how much this is happening. So with the three A’s, you know, we can try an infinite number of options. But what happens is we get stuck in this negative space and we feel like I’ve tried everything. There’s nothing I can do. And that really builds the resentment and the frustration and that anger, which then ends up causing us to yell even more.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yeah, he does say, you know, what do I do? Like I’ve tried everything when it comes to, you know, them doing their chores, working on their grades, you know, the sports stuff. He gets real frustrated with the messes, you know, because he’s very organized and none of us are. And so, you know, I know it feels like a lot on him. And so that’s when he gets really mad and, you know, yells at everybody. And again, I do it too. So what, okay, the Post-it note. And then what are some other options? Like I’m kind of hitting a blanket. What else I can try?
SPEAKER 05 :
Yeah, absolutely. I think being very specific with what your expectations are. Sometimes we get frustrated when we have unmet expectations, but then we find out they’re uncommunicated expectations. And sometimes we complain and we think that we’re asking for what we want. Let me give you an example. I complain sometimes if my kiddos are wiping down the table or wiping down the counter because they don’t do a good enough job. Have I really taught them what it means to do a good job? I’ve pointed at the counter when it’s clean and I say, make it look like that. But do I show them which rag to use? Do I show them how to move the things that are on the counter to clean underneath things? Am I specific at teaching them and training them about what I expect? And I know that can be frustrating for the sports comparison because you feel like you’ve trained and taught all of that. But the results really laying them out and writing down, well, I expect you to score this many points this game. Well, are they completely in control of that? No. Many times we – in the business world, we are – too often measuring the outcomes instead of the lead indicators. So I can control my inputs, but I don’t always get to control my outputs. I can control how many sales calls I make, but I can’t necessarily control how many sales I make. So thinking about writing down what are my real expectations that are controllables and reasonable expectations for the kiddos and doing that in a calm state of mind when I’m writing it out and charting and saying this is what it is. If they don’t do it and it’s controllable, this is what the consequence is going to be. And what am I going to do and how am I going to handle it if they don’t meet that expectation?
SPEAKER 02 :
And I think you had said, like, you know, what is it that we do to get ourselves to stop yelling? I think, honestly, a lot of times in families, we will complain about it, but we don’t ask for something different or we don’t know other than to say, can you stop yelling? But how do we help create the situation where less yelling happens? So that means… Hey, if one of us yells, what do the rest of us do? Do we, you know, raise our three fingers and say we’re going to talk in peace? That’s just a silly example, right?
SPEAKER 06 :
Right from like class, right from class or whatever. If the teacher would do that. Yeah.
SPEAKER 02 :
Yeah, and I know there’s a situation in our kitchen is where most of the conflict happens. And so we have learned sometimes when it seems like it’s heated, we remove some of the people from the kitchen. And so I said, oh, if I’m in the kitchen and I’m getting frustrated, then me and you who are getting frustrated, we go in the other room and talk where we sit down. That way we’re getting out of this place that’s been kind of conditioned as a heightened place for fights, right? There’s a lot of stuff that goes on in the kitchen, bumping into people, cooking and all that. Yes. So part of that is like we just really build awareness. Oh, as we’re talking about, oh, that does happen in the kitchen a lot. And when you do that, then you can get the practical steps to follow. And then, you know, the more eye contact we have, the better. So if you’re making the list on that, like, what have we tried? What have we not tried? Have we sat down? Have we looked each other in the eye? Have we done this is this? All of those things can help us then get to a place where we’re making progress.
SPEAKER 06 :
Oh, I like that. I want to make sure, too, that people know how to reach you guys because you don’t always do the counseling like face-to-face. That’s so cool now we can do things virtually, which I personally think that does help a lot of men who might be embarrassed to go in and sit in a waiting room and bring the whole family in and blah, blah, blah. I like the idea of doing it virtually. And, of course, your book, I Used to Be, How to Navigate Large and Small Losses in Life and Find Your Path Forward, beneficial as well. So what’s the best way to reach the two of you, Ashley and Chuck Elliott?
SPEAKER 05 :
Chuck and Ashley dot com. Just spell it out. Chuck and Ashley dot com. And you can find links to our book and booking us for coaching and speaking on there as well. And we meet with people virtually all across the country. And I love it. Yep, absolutely. And we can do things over what like Zoom, like what people are familiar doing. And it does make it very convenient and you can do it from your home. And it’s a great way to do it.
SPEAKER 06 :
Awesome. Thanks, guys.
SPEAKER 04 :
Thank you so much for having us. Thank you for listening to The Good News with Angie Austin on AM670 KLTT.
