In this enlightening episode, Adrian Rogers addresses the debilitating nature of perfectionism and how it contrasts with the liberating power of grace. By shedding light on personal anecdotes and biblical teachings, listeners are guided to understand the distinction between being project-minded and process-minded. Discover how acceptance of God’s grace can free one from self-imposed expectations, leading to a more fulfilling and joyous life.
Known for his unique ability to simplify profound truth so that it can be applied to everyday life, Adrian Rogers was one of the most effective preachers, respected Bible teachers, and Christian leaders of our time. Thanks for joining us for this message. Here’s Adrian Rogers.
SPEAKER 02 :
Today, I want to speak to you on this subject, freedom from the performance trap. And I think many of us have gotten into this problem trying somehow to make ourselves acceptable to God. And we have gotten into this thing called perfectionism. Now, you may not think that this applies to you, but stay tuned. Read Galatians 3 and verse 3. “‘Are ye so foolish?’ Having begun in the spirit, are ye now made perfect in the flesh? And then 1 Corinthians 15, verses 9 and 10. Here’s the Apostle Paul. For I am the least of the apostles that am not meet to be called an apostle. Because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God, I am what I am. And his grace, which was bestowed upon me, was not in vain. But I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I. but the grace of God which was with me. Now, perfect is a beautiful word, but perfectionism is an ugly word. What is perfectionism? Well, perfectionism is that disease of judging yourself by your achievements. Does that apply to you? The performance trap. I judge myself by how I perform, and therefore I must perform. The key words for the perfectionist are these, I must, I should, I ought. And there are perfectionists around us, and they’re miserable people. They’re caught in a trap. They do not understand the grace of God. One man joked his wife was such a perfectionist, when he’d get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, he’d come back, his side of the bed would be made up. People like that. They are compulsive. They are driven. I want you to notice today, and we’re talking about the grace of God, and just studying for this message liberated me. I want you to see, first of all, what I want to call the ruin of perfectionism. Oh, foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you? Having begun in the spirit, are you made perfect in the flesh? Perfectionism is a thief. It promises rewards, but it steals joy and it steals satisfaction. Why? because perfection is an unattainable goal. There are no perfect people in this present world. Therefore, if you are a perfectionist, you have set an impossible goal for yourself, and therefore you will be constantly faced with frustration and failure. If you get in your mind that God is going to accept you on the basis of your performance, your quiet time, your Bible study, your giving, your witnessing, your holy life, if you get that in your mind, do you see what a trap that is? Because you will never know if you’ve done enough. Isn’t that right? You’ll never know if you’ve done enough. You will never, ever, truly feel accepted. You see, folks, If we could achieve perfection, we would need a Savior. And if you’re a perfectionist and caught up in the performance trap, number one, you may end up angry with God because things don’t work out just right. Everything is not neat. Everything is not perfect. A tree fell on your house and something is going to happen that’s going to make you perhaps a little angry with God or maybe you’re going to be afraid of God. You couldn’t please your parents. And now you can’t please God. We get the idea that God is up there in heaven sitting on a white throne and he’s judging us. He’s sort of an angry parent. He’s sort of a hard-nosed school teacher. And he’s saying, David gets a C minus. Bob did terrible. Scotty did all right, but he sure could do better. And that’s the idea that we get of God. He’s up there doing this, and we’re never able to live up to the demands that we have placed upon ourselves. We begun in the Spirit, we got saved, and now we’re trying to prove to God just how good we can be. You’d say, well, at least, Pastor Rogers, if you’re a perfectionist, you’ll get a lot more done. Uh-huh. DID YOU KNOW THAT PERFECTIONISTS ARE NOT THE MOST PRODUCTIVE? AS A MATTER OF FACT, I READ IN PREPARING FOR THIS MESSAGE, I READ AN INTERESTING STATISTIC THAT THOSE WHO ARE PERFECTIONISTS, PSYCHOLOGISTS GRADED THESE PEOPLE AND THEY FOUND OUT THAT ON AN AVERAGE THEY EARNED $15,000 A YEAR LESS THAN NORMAL PEOPLE. I MEAN THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING HARDER. Because they’re spending so much detail time and so much time polishing Matt’s eyelashes that they never really get down to what really counts. But not only will perfectionism harm you and take the joy out of your life and you never really feel accepted before God, but it harms others. I mean, a perfectionist is intolerable of failure in other people. Therefore, he’s intolerable to live with. Pity the man married to a perfectionist. Pity the woman married to a perfectionist because you never ever will please your mate because they’re not pleased with themselves and they’re not pleased with you. God have mercy upon children whose parents are perfectionists. These parents want their children to be perfect so they can prove to all the world that they are a perfect parent. Norman Wright, a Christian counselor, gives this example. I want you to listen to it. I copied it down verbatim. JUNE’S HOME WAS A SHOWCASE. THE FURNISHINGS, THE DECOR, EVEN THE ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST MAGAZINES FANNED OUT ON THE COFFEE TABLE WERE PERFECT. THE DRAPES WERE HUNG WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST SAG. EACH PICTURE WAS PLACED AT THE SAME HEIGHT, TO THE EXACT MILLIMETER. EVEN HER PANTRY WAS ALPHABETIZED. Nothing was irregular in this house except perhaps the woman whose perfectionism was evident in her surroundings. She constantly drove herself and her offspring to maintain an immaculate house. but her children had difficulty relaxing and enjoying the house. Rarely did they bring their friends over a second time. June paid meticulous attention to details. She was precise in everything she did, but it was never enough. She always felt her home and her children fall short of the mark. WHENEVER GUESTS SHOWERED HER WITH COMPLIMENTS, SHE BEAMED. BUT THE SATISFACTION NEVER LASTED. IT COULD BE BETTER, SHE THOUGHT. Unfortunately, the amount of time June spent maintaining a showcase home was far out of proportion to the result. As a perfectionist, her standards were too high, impossibly high, and it is likely that her parents’ standards were just as lofty, programming her to accept nothing less than perfection, and now she’s passing this malady on to her children as well. The perfectionist, he holds standards, that he does not reach for himself, and he judges others by not reaching those standards. One of the finest things that you could learn to do would be to let others know that you are not perfect, and they’ll relax a little bit, not because they learn it, but because they learn that you’ve learned it. They already knew it. They already knew it. One man was standing up in a testimony meeting in one of these denominations that believe in sinless perfection, that you can reach a state in life where you never sin anymore. And he was standing up giving this testimony about that he never sinned. And he went on and on and on. After a while, a little woman stood up in the back of the church. It was his wife. She said, remember, John, I’m here. You see, they already know this. Perfectionism harms us. It harms others. And friend, it can ruin a church. One man was going around looking for a church. He said, well, he said, what kind of church are you looking for? He said, well, I’m looking for a perfect church. His friend said, there is no such thing, but if you happen to find one, don’t join it, you’d ruin it. And that is true. There are no perfect churches. A church is a fellowship of sinners saved by grace who understand that’s what they are. And I tell our new members when I speak to them, the church is the only organization I know of that you have to confess to be bad before you can join unless it’s hell’s angels. I mean, you have to say, look, I am somewhere in progress, in process, but I am not yet perfect. Did you get the idea that a perfect church would be a church filled with perfect people? Did you ever get that idea? It wouldn’t be. Why? That’d be like saying the perfect society is the society where there are no babies. where there are no children. The perfect home is the home that never has any little children. No little dirty nose, no dirty diapers, no fingerprints on the window panes. That’s not a perfect home. Friend, a perfect church, a wonderful church, is a church where you have people who are in all stages of progression, who are growing. I mean, who’s going to teach these people? Who’s going to minister to these people? Who’s going to help them to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? A perfectionist in a church, boy, he is a miserable person and he makes everybody else miserable. The fellowship is never sweet enough for him. The teacher is never prepared enough for him. The sermon is never good enough for him. The music is never spiritual enough for him or for her. Well, you say, Pastor, didn’t Jesus say, Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect? Yes, He said that. But even there, the word telos does not mean without fault. It has the idea of being complete. It has the idea of being whole. It has the idea of wholesome. It has the idea of maturity. Friend, Jesus supplies the only perfection that you will ever attain till you get to heaven. And you need to understand that it is not perfection that God is looking for in His children. It is excellence. Now, let me talk to you a little bit about the revelation of perfectionism, the marks of it. You want to take a test? Want to see whether you’ve got it? All right, now listen. Let me give you some tests. Number one, are you an idealist or are you a realist? The perfectionist is an idealist. The person who has excellence is a realist. Now, Jesus was not an idealist. He was a realist. I mean, He knew human nature. And He said to His disciples, I have many things to tell you, but you’re not able to bear them right now. Jesus looked at people this way. Jesus, when He looked at Simon Peter, He knew that Simon Peter was going to deny Him. Jesus was not surprised at what was in human nature. But the perfectionist is an idealist. He is not a realist. Secondly, do you set impossible goals for yourself and for others and then fail to fulfill them? For example, if you said, I’m going to lose 30 pounds in a month. You’ve never lost 30 pounds in all your life. You set this goal. Well, the perfectionist does this. He constantly sets unattainable goals for himself. And yet, I want you to notice the wisdom of the Bible. When God told the children of Israel to go take the land of Canaan, you would have thought that perhaps he would have said, now listen, go in there and you clean all those Canaanites out and you just take this land all at one time and don’t you let up, back up, shut up until you have taken it all. and take it right away. But that isn’t what he said. In my quiet time the other day, I came across this verse, and it really blessed me. Exodus 23, verses 29 and following. God says concerning the Canaanites, I will not drive them out from before thee in one year, lest the land become desolate, AND THE BEAST OF THE FIELD MULTIPLY AGAINST THEE. LITTLE BY LITTLE I WILL DRIVE THEM OUT FROM BEFORE THEE, UNTIL THOU BE INCREASED AND INHERIT THE LAND. GOD SAID, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET IT ALL RIGHT AWAY. HA HA, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET IT IN A YEAR. YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE THE LAND OF CANAN LITTLE BY LITTLE. NOW THE PERFECTIONISTS WOULDN’T LIKE THAT VERSE AT ALL. LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION. DO YOU TRY TO BE THE BEST? or to do your best. The perfectionist has to be the best. He has to be number one. He’s unsatisfied if somebody has attained more, if somebody does a better job, if someone’s house is decorated a little better, if someone’s yard is a little neater, if somebody’s car is a little cleaner. He can’t stand that. He’s got to be number one. He can’t accept himself. But I want you to listen to a key verse that deals with perfectionism. Now Paul is talking about grace. And remember Paul said, I am what I am by the grace of God. Paul had accepted himself. But now listen to what he says to us. Romans 12, verses 3 and 4. For I say through the grace given unto me. Now catch the word grace. To every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think. but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. That is, don’t think with such lofty thoughts that you can never attain to them. But on the other hand, understand that by the grace of God, you are what you are. The grace of God exalts a man without inflating him, and it humbles a man without debasing him. The person who has excellence says, I am what I am by the grace of God. The person who is perfectionist says, I ought to be what I am not and perhaps never could be. Do you value yourself by what you do or by what you are? See, this is what we’re talking about. Do you try to be the best or to do your best? Remember when Jesus was visiting Mary and Martha? Mary was sitting there at the feet of Jesus. MARTHA CAME IN WITH FLOWER UP TO HER ELBOWS. SHE’D BEEN IN THE KITCHEN, PRESPIRATION ON HER BROW. SHE SAYS, JESUS, PARDON ME, I KNOW YOU AND MARY ARE HAVING A DISCUSSION THERE AND ALL THIS. YOU’RE HAVING THIS BIBLE CONFERENCE THERE. JESUS, WOULD YOU TELL MARY TO COME IN THE KITCHEN AND HELP ME? REMEMBER THAT? I REALLY BELIEVE THAT MARTHA… WAS A PERFECTIONIST. I THINK SHE PROBABLY HAD A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION TO BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? MARY, JESUS SAID, HAD CHOSEN THE BETTER PART. MARY HAD ACCEPTED WHO SHE WAS AND WHO JESUS WAS, AND JESUS WAS FAR MORE PLEASED WITH MARY’S DEVOTION THAN MARTHA’S MEATLOAF. REALLY. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS, FRIEND, THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO BE THE BEST. We have to just simply do our best to be what we are by the grace of God. Let me ask you another question. Are you project-minded or process-minded? Well, you say, what’s the difference? Well, a perfectionist, he always has goals out there. And he’s always striving to reach those goals. And he’s discontent until the project is done. But when the project is done, he’s never satisfied with it. And he always starts another one. He is afraid of success. Success to him would ruin everything. So he just keeps on pushing. Or perhaps he won’t even start a project because his procrastination says that it’s got to be perfect and he knows he can’t attain it. And both of these are heads and tails of the same coin. Are you ladies married to a man when you start on a trip? His idea is to get to where they’re going and you’re not going to stop for groceries. You’re not going to stop for a restroom. You’re not going to stop for anything else because this man, mmm, We’re going. And when he gets there, we got to go home. You know anybody like that? That’s the perfectionist. I mean, your bladder could be giving you pains, but he’s not going to stop. That’s the person who never learns to enjoy the trip. He never learns to look, to pull out, to stop over because he is so project minded. He’s the kind of guy that’ll turn on the outside lights and mow the yard at midnight. I mean, it’s got to get finished. projects and things, but Jesus said in Matthew 6, verse 33, Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. The Bible says in Psalm 127, verse 2, It’s vain to rise up early, to stay up late, to eat the bread of sorrows. Let me ask you another question. Do you dwell on failure, or do you simply learn from it? The perfectionist can’t let go of his failures. He just can’t do it. He feels that he has to punish himself because he failed. After all, God will not forgive him. So why should he forgive himself? But the Apostle Paul who said, I am what I am by the grace of God, he said, I persecuted the church. I made havoc of the church, but I am what I am by the grace of God. HE WAS ABLE TO LET GO. HE SAID IN PHILIPPIANS 3 VERSE 13, BRETHREN, I COUNT NOT MYSELF TO HAVE APPREHENDED, BUT THIS ONE THING I DO, FOR GETTING THOSE THINGS WHICH ARE BEHIND AND REACHING FORTH UNTO THOSE THINGS WHICH ARE PRESENT, I PRESS TOWARD THE MARK FOR THE PRIZE. HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO LET GO OF THE PAST? YOU SAY, WHAT A FOOL I WAS, WHAT A FOOL I WAS. WHY DON’T YOU START SAYING WHAT A FOOL I AM FOR SAYING WHAT A FOOL I WAS? LEARN THIS. You can fail and not be a failure. The perfectionist can’t let go of the past. Let me ask you this. Do you resent criticism or do you learn from it? Well, if you really want to make a perfectionist angry, criticize him or her. Now, he deeply resents criticism because it only affirms and confirms his most painful thought that I am not perfect. And the perfectionist says, WANTS TO BE LOVED ABOVE ALL THINGS. IF HE GETS THE IDEA THAT SOMEBODY DOESN’T LIKE HIM, HIS OWN LIFE IS RUINED. IT COMES CRASHING DOWN. BUT I WANT YOU TO THINK OF THE APOSTLE PAUL WHO SAID, I AM WHAT I AM BY THE GRACE OF GOD. HE SAID IN 1 CORINTHIANS CHAPTER 4 VERSE 3, BUT WITH ME IT’S A VERY SMALL THING THAT I SHOULD BE JUDGED OF YOU OR OF MAN’S JUDGMENT. THAT DOESN’T BLOW ME OUT OF THE WAY. YOU SEE, A HEALTHY PERSON is not shipwrecked by some criticism. As a matter of fact, he’ll learn from it. Now, let me come to the third and the happy part of this thing. How do we get free of this? And friend, it’s in all of us. Sometimes it’s been put in by over-demanding parents. We get our concept of God from our concept of our parents. And if you were raised by a perfectionist mother, a perfectionist father, or if you came out of a very narrow doctrinaire type of preaching, You may have had a person who has motivated you by guilt and not by grace. Maybe it’s the church background you’ve come from, the family background. Maybe it’s just the way you’re wired psychologically. But what is the freedom now? What is this grace of God that we’ve been talking about? God’s amazing grace where you can say, I am what I am by the grace of God. Number one, learn by God’s grace that He has already accepted you. He has already accepted you by grace. Here’s your verse. Put it down. Ephesians 1 verse 6. To the praise of the glory of His grace. whereby he hath made us accepted in the beloved. You don’t have to earn acceptance. That acceptance comes by grace. And that’s the reason when you learn this grace, you want to praise God for this grace, to the praise of the glory of his grace. Don’t get the idea that God is making a list on how many quiet times you’ve had. How much Bible study you’ve read, how many chapters. You know, a chapter a day keeps the devil away. If I don’t do my quiet time, I’m going to get the Hong Kong colic. It’s an awful thing. I used to come on Sunday mornings as a young preacher feeling, oh God, I didn’t pray enough. Oh God, I didn’t study enough. Oh God, I’m not ready to preach. And absolutely, totally defeated. Thinking if I could have just done a little more, if I could have worked just a little harder, if I could have prayed just a little more. How wonderful to learn that I am accepted by God’s grace. God is not the God of push and shove. God is not the God of more and more, faster and faster, harder and harder. Grace is God’s acceptance of us. Faith is our acceptance of God’s acceptance of us. Grace is God’s acceptance of us. Faith is our acceptance of God’s acceptance of us. I have noticed that there’s some people just can’t get the assurance of their salvation. I mean, they always say, well, you know, I just don’t feel saved. And they’re constantly coming to get saved again. They’ve been baptized so many times the tadpoles know their social security number. Do you know what these people’s problem is primarily? It is not a spiritual problem. It’s a psychological problem. It’s a psychological problem. They cannot accept the fact that God has accepted them. One of the greatest songs ever written, we sing it a lot around here, “‘Just as I am, without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me. O Lamb of God, I come to thee, I come.'” to the praise of the glory of His grace, whereof He hath made us accepted in the Beloved. What a wonderful song. Do you remember the story in the Old Testament in 2 Samuel 9? It’s the story of a man named Mephibosheth. DAVID AND JONATHAN IN THE OLD TESTAMENT MADE A BLOOD COVENANT. THAT MEANT THAT THEY WOULD LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND EVERYTHING THAT DAVID HAD BELONGED TO JONATHAN AND EVERYTHING THAT JONATHAN HAD BELONGED TO DAVID. AND THIS COVENANT PERTAINED NOT ONLY TO DAVID AND JONATHAN BUT TO THEIR OFFSPRING. NOW, JONATHAN’S FATHER WAS KING SAUL WHO HATED DAVID AND TRIED TO KILL DAVID. AND SAUL DIED AND THEN JONATHAN DIED AND DAVID IS NOW THE KING. Now, Jonathan had a son, and Jonathan’s son was Mephibosheth. And David became king, and he came to Jerusalem, there to the royal palace. He called a counselor, and he said, Is there anybody here left of the house of Saul? They said, Ah, the purge is about to begin. But they didn’t understand what David was up to. He said, Is there anybody here that’s left of the house of Saul that I may show the kindness of God to him? For Jonathan’s sake. Jonathan, remember David was in a blood covenant with Jonathan. That I may show the kindness of God unto him for Jonathan’s sake. And there was an old servant named Ziba. And Ziba spoke up and said, well, yes, there is one. He’s crippled. He’s lame in his feet. His name is Mephibosheth. He’s in a dark, dingy, dusty hideaway in a place called Lodibar. Now he had fled out there because he was afraid that David might come and get him. And all of his life he was afraid of David. David said, go bring him. And so the royal entourage comes up to this dusty hideout and old Mephibosheth pulls his crippled limbs up to the wind and looks out and he sees it’s the king’s company and he says, he’s found me, this is it. This is it. He’s going to kill me because I’m of the house of Saul. I’m a son of Jonathan. He didn’t know about the blood covenant. Mephibosheth is taken before King David and there’s David on his throne. Mephibosheth’s crutches perhaps just go out beneath him. He falls on the floor. His little old weak knees can’t hold him up. He has a crippled body. He sits there quivering like a bird in a trap as if to say, David, get it over with. Be merciful. Kill me. David said, oh no, I don’t want to kill you. You’re a king’s son. I want to restore your inheritance. I want to show you kindness. I want you to eat at my table like one of my sons. Mephibosheth can’t take it in. And he says in the scripture, why would you do this to a dead dog like I am? That’s what he called himself, a dead dog. And here’s what David said. David said, Mephibosheth, I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for Jonathan. I’m doing it for Jonathan’s sake. I made a covenant with your father. And Mephibosheth says, you mean it? Yes. At that moment, Mephibosheth had to accept or reject the covenant. What do you think he did? He said, well, I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it, but I like it. Let’s do it. And so here the next morning, this guy’s been in that old dusty, dingy hideout, way out there in the backwoods, hating David and fearing David. The next morning, he awakens on silken sheets. He’s got servants all around him. They say, what time would my Lord Mephibosheth like? bath? What robe would my Lord Mephibosheth like to wear? What would my Lord Mephibosheth like for breakfast this morning? And there he is. He comes down to breakfast and there are the king’s sons and he sits there at that table and that white linen tablecloth and those shriveled legs beneath that tablecloth cannot even be seen by the whiteness of that cloth. He looks around and He says to himself, you know, I don’t really understand all this, but I sure like it. Pass the marmalade. And as the marmalade is passed, he looks on David’s wrist. There’s a scar where David and Jonathan made a blood covenant. He understands it’s all because of a blood covenant. He said, what does that have to do with us? The Bible says to the praise of the glory of God’s grace wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. And the Bible says be ye kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. David for Jonathan’s sake received Mephibosheth. God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you. The devil will get you in an argument and the devil will tell you, you’re not good enough. You haven’t done enough. You don’t deserve it. Don’t argue with him. He’s right. Just point him to the blood covenant and step out of the way. Let him argue with God. Friend, you’re not accepted on the basis of who you are, but what he did, right? What he did, it’s grace. Paul said, I made havoc of the church of God, but I am what I am by the grace of God. When you understand this, friend, it frees you not to do less. You do more, but it’s oh so different. Now you’re burning the oil and not the wick. Friend, now you are doing what you do is unto God. You have been freed from the performance trap. Learn to accept God’s grace. And then learn to accept yourself. Because if God has accepted you, you can accept you. You can say, I am what I am by the grace of God. And then you know what? You’ll be able to accept others. And you’ll stop being so demanding. And you’ll stop being so critical. And you’ll stop being so judgmental. And you’ll begin to be more loving. And when you are, you’ll raise a lot better kids than any perfectionist parent ever raised. You’ll have a better husband and a better wife and a finer home and you’ll get a lot more joy when you can say, I am what I am by the grace of God. Oh, foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you? Are you so foolish having begun in the spirit to think that you’d be made perfect in the flesh. I am what I am by the grace of God. Does that mean that I won’t work? Does that mean that I won’t serve? Does that mean that I’m going to be lazy, slovenly? Does that mean that I hold a lower standard? No, my standard is excellence. But I am what I am by the grace of God.
SPEAKER 01 :
If you would like to learn more about how you can know Jesus or deepen your relationship with Him, simply click the Discover Jesus link on our website, lwf.org. For a copy of this message or additional resources, visit our online store at lwf.org or call 1-800-274-5683. Thank you.
