As the joyous holiday season unfolds, the shadow of holiday blues might linger for many, unknown to others. In this insightful episode, Liz Renzel converses with Kenza Haddock who reveals expert tips on navigating emotional turbulence during the holidays. Learn how to safeguard your peace by setting boundaries, sticking to essential routines, and harnessing positivity through affirmations and faith. Discover the profound impact these practices can have, allowing you to enjoy the festive season with less stress and more joy.
This is Liz Renzel with Crawford Media Group, and today our guest is Kenza Haddock, who is a sought-after certified clinical trauma provider, national certified counselor, certified grief counselor, guest speaker at churches and conferences, and author of several books. We’ll be talking about how the holidays can bring on the holiday blues and how to overcome it. Welcome to our program, Kenza. Thank you so much for having me. Kenza, tell us why the holidays can be so difficult and why they call it the holiday blues.
SPEAKER 02 :
Yes. So the term usually skyrockets between the months of November and January. And those months are known where people start experiencing higher levels of depression and anxiety. That’s where the term came from, holiday blues. And that’s because during the holiday season, we were experiencing an exuberant amount of stress. We’re out of our routine. We are, you know, going, I mean, just going from Thanksgiving to Christmas. And we’re just running, running, running. We don’t often take the time to just rest. And that’s where the holiday brews came from.
SPEAKER 01 :
So could it also be, and I know for some people it can be hard because maybe they’ve lost a loved one. And so maybe celebrating doesn’t seem right or even good to them.
SPEAKER 02 :
Oh, absolutely. That’s a big component in it. And it’s not isolated to people who are going through the first year or second year of not having that loved one. It’s also people who are estranged from their family or people who are going through conflicts, current conflicts with family members. You wouldn’t believe how many people I counsel on who are experiencing it we call it complicated grief because it’s not grief that’s related to someone who has passed away but more so someone they’re in conflict with so so many factors can lead into holiday blues for sure so what are some things that you um tell your clients yeah to help with the holiday blues i would say number one liz and i know this is easier said than done but maintain a routine and when i say routine i i somewhat use it loosely because i understand that the holidays bring their own slew of hectic schedules from you know children being off school if your parents are having to get out of town to visit family or host family which that in itself brings its own type of stress and so what happens is when we’re going going going we lose track of our day-to-day routine and we’re creatures of habit whether we we want to uh we want to recognize that or not. And so you have to promise yourself that regardless of what’s going on throughout the holidays, if, for example, you and your spouse have date nights on Thursdays, stick to those date nights as best as you can. If you miss a Thursday, that’s fine. Get back on track next week. And so make sure you’re not switching up so many things in your routine because when you do that, it increases a chemical in your brain called cortisol. And the more that chemical increases in your brain, the more you’re going to feel stressed out and weak in your immune system. And so one example I give people, Liz, is my anchor, and this is not to sound holier than thou or anything, but I know that there are times when I have so many balls juggling in the air that the only thing I can hold on to is my time with the Lord. And sometimes that may be in the morning, sometimes that may be at night. And so I know that at least once a day I’m going to spend time with God. That gives me almost that anchor to know, okay, this thing at least is not going to change. And so we need to hold on to that.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, that’s so important. You know, the maintaining a routine. So I know a lot of people take time off for, you know, whether it between between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that could be restful, in one sense. But also, I agree with what you’re saying, it could throw you off of what the your routine that you’ve been doing.
SPEAKER 02 :
Oh, yes, and it creates a domino effect. It’s not like you’re missing bedtime three, four times in one week that’s going to throw you completely off. You’re missing bedtime. You’re not going to work as regular. Your kids are out of school. It’s a bunch of things at one time that throw you into a domino effect, and that increases cortisol, that chemical in your brain. And so I tell people, If you can stick to one thing, if you can choose one thing to stick to, that should be your time with God. Because you know what? Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and forever. And He will be your anchor throughout the holidays, for sure. And that’s one. Number two, and I’ll say this with as much love as I can, you have to set healthy boundaries. So many people… I know, say yes impulsively and sign up for extra activities, extra service opportunities out of guilt when their plate is already overflowing.
SPEAKER 01 :
Exactly.
SPEAKER 02 :
And so, listen, before even Christmas hits, promise yourself that you’re only going to engage in like, let’s say, two or three activities this way. you’re not going to feel guilty when you say yes to those two or three. But after that, you can say, you know what, as much as I would love to, my time won’t allow me to. You can say that.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, so good. And what does a boundary look like besides saying yes or no? I know you deal with a lot of boundary issues, but not just saying yes or no to something, but even you talked about earlier, there could be conflict. What could be a healthy boundary if you are getting together with family members or friends and there is a conflict? What are some boundaries you would suggest for that?
SPEAKER 02 :
You know, as you’re asking that question, a situation came to mind where, you know, I’ve had people who, like, they experience conflict, host and extended family members at their house, for example. Like, if that’s going to create extra conflict between you and your spouse, then maybe hosting them is not a good idea. Like, if signing up for extra church activities throughout the year is going to cause you undue stress, then my question to you is, are you trying to carry a load that Jesus didn’t ask you to carry? And so you want to answer that. And also, there’s also emotional boundaries that you have to set. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts in Proverbs 4.23. And so if Aunt Sue, for example, every time you see her, she’s asking you why you still haven’t had kids when you clearly are struggling with infertility, you have to make sure to answer Aunt Sue in a way that is kind but also firm. And you can say, hey, I understand this topic is important to you, but… This is an uncomfortable situation that I’m dealing with, and I would rather you not ask that anymore. I’ll let you know if we choose to have a family. So we have to be firm.
SPEAKER 01 :
What if there are people that typically come over, you know, that you do host, and there’s no conflict between you and your husband, but there could be a conflict or a little static between the people who are coming, you know, you and the person who’s coming. How do you deal with that?
SPEAKER 02 :
Yeah, so the question I would ask is, Is it worth it to you emotionally? Because you have to look at yourself as a bank account. And I’m not saying you have to close yourself off of every conflict. No. But you want to look at yourself as a bank account. People who speak life into you are making deposits. People who drain the life out of you and make backhanded comments are making withdrawals. So think about that night. If you feel, and I love that question, Liz, because you wouldn’t believe how many people are experiencing panic attacks weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, weeks leading up to Christmas dinner because they know that the people they’re hosting are going to make those backhanded comments or bring up topics that they don’t feel comfortable about. And so, I mean, you can love them. You don’t have to bring people into your home who are harnessing your character or making you feel uncomfortable. You really don’t.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, so good because I think so many people, they struggle with that. And it makes for a very hard holiday when the holidays are supposed to be joyful.
SPEAKER 02 :
Absolutely. I mean, they take away – when we’re hosting people, even if it’s for a night, who are going to cause us so much grief that we’re going to stew on it for weeks prior into weeks after, I mean – At this point, we’re not making the holidays about Jesus anymore. And so, absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER 01 :
So you have a third one, and it’s watching your inner monologue. What do you mean by that?
SPEAKER 02 :
We talk to ourselves more than we talk to anyone. That’s the truth. I mean, like, whether we acknowledge it or not.
SPEAKER 01 :
And those conversations could be pretty dicey.
SPEAKER 02 :
Yes. You know, in times of stress, when we’re trying to get things done and things aren’t going our way, it can be so easy for us to go down a spiral and turn our negativity inward, just like we would guard our hearts against anyone who would be emotionally toxic. Like we talked about in number two, right, in step two, it’s important to pay close attention and watch how we speak to ourselves and ask ourselves, am I… being the devil’s mouthpiece to myself. So good. Because, I mean, Emma is the enemy using me to put myself down. And I found that so often, especially around the holidays or after the holidays, when we’ve gathered around family members or maybe exchanged a few hurtful words, like we just – do on it for a long time and we just internalize it. So you have to make sure that you watch how you’re talking to yourself and guard your mouth against yourself. Because, I mean, life is found in our tongue, life or death, really. So we have to make sure we’re speaking life over ourselves.
SPEAKER 01 :
So what are some practical tools or a quick fix to switch that monologue?
SPEAKER 02 :
We have to cast down every thought, and I know when it starts it seems overwhelming, but you know when you’re going down a spiral. For example, I’m cooking a turkey and ham and all that, and I feel like my house is not clean enough. So I’m just using like real life examples here. I’m going to start thinking, oh, goodness, these people are going to come over and think I’m a loser. I’m not a good wife. I’m not a good mom. If my kids misbehave, I’m going to start putting all that on myself. I have to say, stop it. Literally tell yourself out loud, stop it. That is not how God sees me and that is not how God talks about me. And if you want to be on the offensive side, go to your Bible and find three positive things that God says about you and appropriate those over your life when those negative thoughts come. Because that’s not just positive affirmations. That’s appropriating the Word of God that has the capacity to pierce through soul and marrow and bone and, I mean, soul and spirit, the division of soul and spirit, and uproot the devil’s lies that he has spoken over your life. And so make sure to appropriate God’s Word over your life. That would be one thing that I’ll say. If you don’t take anything from all of this, take that and appropriate it.
SPEAKER 01 :
Yeah, his word is above all words. We are visiting with Kenza Haddock, who is a sought-after certified clinical counselor with expertise in trauma, grief, and depression, and author of several books. And we’ve been talking about how the holidays can be difficult and how to overcome the holiday blues. Kenza, what one takeaway would you leave our listeners with today?
SPEAKER 02 :
Whether you’re feeling isolated or you’re going through grief during the holiday season or it seems stressful, I want you to just take a moment and just remember that you have a God who loves you more than anyone could ever love you. And that’s truly what this holiday season is about. It’s a reminder that he loves you enough to pursue you through Christ and and If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. So whenever you feel down because of toxic family members or toxic friends or feel isolated or estranged, remember that the God of the universe called you by name and he chose to pursue you and he wants that relationship with you.
SPEAKER 01 :
Where should our listeners go to learn more about your counseling services at Oceanic Counseling? And how can they get through your books?
SPEAKER 02 :
Yes, they’re welcome to go to Kenzahaddock.com. It’s K-E-N-Z-A-H-A-D-D-O-C-K.com. And if they have a mental health question that we haven’t covered today that they’d want answered biblically and clinically, I started a new YouTube channel. They’re welcome to go on my website, ask it anonymously, and I’ll go ahead and answer it in the next couple of weeks.
