What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them – Part 1

SPEAKER 01 : 0:02

Hey everyone, it’s so great to have you with us today on Pastor Rick’s Daily Hope. We are going to continue our very encouraging series today called Life’s Healing Choices. And in these lessons, Rick Warren will guide us through a deep biblical exploration of how to overcome the hurts, hang-ups, and habits that really hold us back. So get ready for some practical insights and powerful truths that can lead to lasting change and freedom in your life. And now here’s Pastor Rick with the beginning of his message called What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them.

SPEAKER 02 : 0:40

Now, we were created for community. We’re wired for relationships. We’re made to go through life together. We’re formed for a family. The Bible says this, this top verse on your outline, Romans 12, five, Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other. Would you circle that word connected? Now, you may not realize it, but the people you’re sitting next to, you are connected to. If you’re part of the family of God, they are connected to you and you are connected to them. Here’s the problem. It’s easy to get disconnected in relationships. Would you agree with that? It’s very easy to get disconnected from your children, from your parents, from your brothers and sisters, your friends, your family, your husband or wife if you’re married. It’s easy to get disconnected from your church, from your small group. And so today we’re gonna look at what causes that. Why do relationships fall apart? Why do relationships go bad? What destroys relationships and how do you rebuild them? Or how do you build new ones? Or how do you prevent relationships from going bad? Now, the Bible tells us that we’re connected. And how do we stay connected? How many of you are in a small group? Can I see your hands? Yeah, look at that, that’s amazing. Let me give you a little secret. I wanna warn you. You’re gonna have differences in your small group. The only people who agree on everything are dead people. So if you’re getting along in perfect harmony in your group, it means either one, you’re not being honest, or two, you’re all dead. Have you figured out that God likes variety? He could have made us all alike. He could have made us all with the same opinions, the same background, the same interests, the same personality, but he didn’t. God loves variety. And one of the purposes of groups, a small group, is to teach us relational skills. It’s the laboratory for learning how to get along with each other. And the skills that you learn in a small group can be applied in your work, can be applied in your family, can be applied in your marriage if you’re married, can be applied in your ministry. It’s the lab for learning how to relate to each other. You see, unfortunately, we’re not taught how to have healthy relationships. You never had a class growing up in school, not a single class on how to have good relationships. And yet that’s the most important thing in life. It’s far more important than anything else. How to have good relationships. How to have a relationship with God, how to have a relationship with each other. And I doubt even your parents taught you how to have good relationships. They may have not even known themselves. So they never sat you down and said, here are the secrets, the building blocks to good relationships. And here are the things that destroy them. I’ve talked to so many people who’ve gone through a divorce who have no idea. Why did it happen? What really caused it to take place? So today, we’re gonna look at how relationships get destroyed, what destroys them, and what builds them. And I’m very, very excited about what Tom and I are gonna share because it has application in so many areas of your life. You can apply it with your friends, You can apply it with your family. You can apply it with your marriage if you’re married. You can apply it in your work and in your career in relating to others. And you can apply it in your small group. And what I’m gonna share with you, what Tom and I are gonna share with you today will save you tens of thousands of dollars in counseling. So just make out the check to Dr. Rick, okay? No, actually, just give it to the poor. That’d be better if you did that. So what destroys relationships? And how do you rebuild them? And how do you keep it from happening in the first place? Well, folks, this is not rocket science. God has said that every relational problem comes down to one of four negative attitudes. Every problem you’ve had in a relationship comes as a result of one or more of these three or four problems. They are the enemies of community. Number one, selfishness. Selfishness destroys relationships. Now this is the number one enemy. It is the number one cause of conflict, the number one cause of arguments, the number one cause of divorce, it is the number one cause of war. When some dictator says, well, I want what you’ve got, he starts a war. And that’s how it happens. James 4, verses 1 and 2 says this. What causes fights and quarrels? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something, but you don’t get it. Everything starts because of our self-centeredness. Now, it’s very easy for selfishness to creep into a relationship. You know, when you start a relationship, you work real hard at being selfless, at being unselfish. Like in dating, and oh, here, please, you know, you go first. You know? And you’re very unselfish at the start of a relationship. But then, as time goes on, selfishness begins to creep in. Would you agree that we put more energy into building than into maintaining relationships? Yeah, we do. Some of you have heard me read this before about the five stages of a married cold. The first year, baby darling, I’m worried about that sniffle. So I’ve called the paramedics to rush you to the UCLA hospital for a checkup and a week of rest. And I know you don’t like hospital food, so I’m having gourmet meals brought in for you. That’s the first year. Second year of a marriage. Sweetheart, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve arranged for Dr. Knox to make a house call, let me tuck you in bed. Third year of a marriage. You look like you got a fever. Why don’t you drive yourself over to the MediStop, get some medicine, I’ll watch the kids. You know, very magnanimous. Fourth year. Look, be sensible. After you’ve fed and bathed the kids and washed the dishes, you really ought to go to bed. Fifth year, for Pete’s sake, do you have to cough so loud? I can’t hear the TV. Would you mind going in the other room while this show is on? You sound like a barking dog. One guy said, you know, in the first year of marriage, my wife used to bring me my slippers and the dog came barking. Now my dog brings me slippers. You know, we just stop making the effort. It’s easy to slide into selfishness. I’ve always said if there was more courting in marriage, there’d be fewer marriages in court. That it’s, we have to date your mate. You know, it happens to all of us. Couple weeks ago, I got in bed about three seconds before Kay did. As she got in bed three seconds later, she said, did you lock all the doors? Now in three seconds, I pretended I was asleep. Okay. I’m laying motionless. And I whisper as if I’m in alpha state, no. It had only been three seconds. She gets out of bed and she goes and locks all the doors. There’s a word for me, doofus. It was selfish, pure and simple. I wanted her to do it. Now, we all know that selfishness destroys relations. We know this. So why don’t we change? Or better yet, why can’t we change? Why can’t we be more unselfish? Well, there’s a couple reasons. First, it is natural. It is human nature to be selfish. I don’t think about you most of the time. I think about me, my needs, my interests, my hurts. How do I look? How do I feel? Who’s hurting me? And you don’t think about me. You think about yourself more than anybody else. You think about yourself all the time. It is natural to be selfish. When a baby’s born, its first words are, I! Me! And they demand total attention. They don’t give anything back. They are totally selfish creatures. It’s human nature. Now, it’s interesting that a lot of people today say, well, you know, if there is a God, why is there evil in the world? I don’t have a problem with that one. It’s because we’re all selfish. And when I want what I want and you want what you want, it causes conflict, wars, and a lot of other stuff. I wanna do what I wanna do, and that hurts people. I don’t have a problem with why there’s evil in the world. The real issue is, the bigger issue is, why is there good? Why is there good in the world? There’s only one reason there’s good in the world, because of God. Without God, there would be no good. Because by nature, I am not altruistic. By nature, I think of me first, not you, and so do you. And so, as Darwin would have called it, survival of the fittest is the natural thing of life that we think of ourselves and protecting ourselves and caring for ourselves. The only reason people do good in the world is because of God. It is God that motivates us to do good. And if there were no God, there would be no good. He is the only explanation for good in the world because we’re naturally selfish. Now, not only are we naturally selfish, it is our culture that everything in it feeds our self-centeredness. Do you realize that every advertisement that comes out caters to your self-centeredness? It’s quite things like, have it your way. We do it all for you. It’s all about you. I gotta think about what’s best for me. Have it your way. And you know, the most recent one is this Sprite commercial. Obey your thirst. Now, if that isn’t a juvenile attitude toward life, a self-centered attitude, obey your thirst? Think about that. That says do whatever your urges are. Forget about if it hurts anybody. Forget about if it bothers anybody. You’re just an animal, so obey your urge. Obey your thirst. Live for yourself regardless of what it does to everybody else. Or one that’s a little more sophisticated, but it’s the same thing. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Now think about that. So it’s okay for me to cheat on my wife as long as I do it in Vegas. It’s okay for me to be immoral and rotten and do anything I want to, total salvation, because it’s going to stay in Sin City. By the way, Las Vegas is really lost wages. Did you know that? That’s what it really stands for. Let’s read together Proverbs 28, 25. Selfishness only causes trouble. It only causes trouble. Now, if selfishness destroys relationships, then it is selflessness that builds them. Selflessness builds relationships, being unselfish. Now, what does selflessness mean? It means a little bit less of me and a little bit more of you. means I think a little bit less of myself, and I just think a little bit more of you. That is being selfless. I’m not the whole center of the universe. I’m thinking about other people. Philippians 2.4 says this. In the Bible, it says, look out for one another’s interest. not just your own. That’s selflessness. Selflessness brings out the best in others. You know, it builds relationships. In fact, if you start acting selfless in a relationship, it forces the other person to change because you’re not the same person anymore and they have to relate to you in a different way. And so selflessness not only transforms a relationship, it also transforms that person. I’ve actually seen it many, many, many, many times. I’ve seen some of the most unlovable unlikable people, you know, irascible, cranky people that nobody wants to be around, and you start being selfless toward them, and giving them what they need, not what they deserve, and you start being selfless, and it transforms them into nice people. It transforms them when you show them selflessness and show them kindness. God’s favorite place to teach you selflessness is in one, your family, and two, your small group. Why? Because those are the people who get closest to you up close on a regular basis. It’s very easy to be selfless in a crowd. Like right now, nobody’s requiring anything from you. Nobody’s demanding it. It’s very easy for you to be selfless. It’s when you’re in relationship with other people that you have the give and take of learning to get along with people who are different from you, different personalities and backgrounds. That’s where you have to learn to be selfless. Now since so many of you, most of you are in small groups, I made a list of practical ways you can practice selflessness in your small group this week. Number one, by showing up. Okay, now I mean that, by showing up. You know, I have to admit, I don’t always wanna go to small group, I’ve been in group for years. But I need it and other people need it. And so when I show up, you know a lot of times, I don’t wanna go sit on somebody else’s couch, I wanna stay at home and lay on mine. and I don’t wanna do anything. And so when I, after dinner, get up and go to small group, it is a selfless act. I am putting the needs of the group over my own personal needs. And so just showing up, honestly, is an act of selflessness. By accepting new people in your group, that’s another way you can do it. By not being a clique, you know, us four, no more. And you’re not resentful when somebody says, well, let’s bring somebody else in. That is an act of selflessness. Another way is by really listening to people in your group. Do you know that listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give others? Because you’re giving them your time, and that is your life. It’s far more important than your money. You can always get more money, but you only have a certain amount of time in life. So when you give somebody your attention, and you give them your ear, you are actually giving them a part of your life. And that is selfless. And when you really listen to people and you’re not thinking, what am I going to say next? Or you’re really listening to people and you’re not multitasking. What do I have to do after group? You’re paying attention. You are being and practicing selflessness. When you draw other people out to talk in your small group and you say, well, what do you think? And you ask questions and you don’t dominate the conversation and you don’t do all the talking and you draw it out of others. That is practicing selflessness. By offering people your help and helping your abilities in the group. That is selflessness. By being a host. Those of you who are hosts, you are opening up your home. You are being selfless. You know, by not hiding the best snacks. That’s being selfless. You know, you don’t hold back the good stuff. Now, you know, confession is good for the soul. And in my group we’ve been meeting for years. We rotate where we meet. So sometimes we meet at somebody’s house and a couple weeks ago, you might try this in your group. In our group we rotate and a couple weeks ago we were meeting at my house. Well, in my garage, I have this refrigerator where I stock it with soft drinks. And so anybody, anytime they come over, I say, you know, just go out the refrigerator and get yourself something to drink. Now, I knew my small group was coming over, and I really wanted to hide my stash of Stewart’s Root Beer. I wanted to hide it behind the Albertson Diet Cola. You know, let them drink the cheap stuff, okay? You know, I paid good money for that Diet Root Beer, okay? But I didn’t. I left it there, and I felt noble. And I felt, you know, a little pride got in there. And I just thought, see, I did the good thing. Now, look at this next verse. Galatians 6, 7, and 8 says this. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others and ignoring God, harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for it in his life is weeds. But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s spirit do the growth work in him, harvest a crop of real life and eternal life. This is a very important verse, because it talks about the principle of sowing and reaping. And the universe is built on this. What you sow, you’re gonna reap. What you plant, you’re gonna reap. If you plant criticism, people are gonna be critical of you. If you plant affirmation, people are gonna affirm you. Whatever you sow in life, you’re gonna reap back. If you’re jealous, people are gonna be jealous of you and on and on and on. So it says here three or four things. First, it says respond to God, not to what others do. Said if you wanna plant good seeds, he says plant in response to God. What does that mean? When somebody is offensive to me, it is my nature to be offensive back to them. And so are you. And he says, no, no, don’t respond to that pettiness. Respond the way God would. Respond to God. How would Jesus handle this pettiness? When you do that, you’re going to be unselfish. You’re going to be selfless. He says you respond to God, not to the attack that’s coming toward you. And then he says God rewards pettiness. Selflessness. He says you’ll get real life and you’ll get eternal life. Now why does God sweeten a pot like that? Why does he say that? God has wired the universe that the more unselfish you are, the more he blesses you. Why? Because he wants you to become like him. God wants you to become like him, which is unselfish. Everything you have in life is a gift from God because God was unselfish with you. And so God says, in order to help you become like me, I’m gonna give a little reward to this. First, you get real life on earth and you get eternal life in heaven. He says, you know what? You get a meaning in the way God has wired it. As we give ourselves away, we are most fulfilled. Jesus said, only those who learn to give their lives away will ever know what it means to really live. You see, if you don’t get anything else I say or Tom says today, get this. The greatest lesson in life is learning to be unselfish. That’s it. That’s the number one lesson in life, learning to be unselfish. It’s also called love. Love your neighbor as yourself. Once you know and love God, God says, now I want you to learn to love other people, and that means being unselfish. And unfortunately, a lot of people go through life and never learn the greatest lesson, and they waste their life. They waste the whole reason they’re here on earth to learn how to be unselfish. Now notice God also says in this verse, it’s a growth process. He says, letting God’s spirit do the growth work in him, you’ll harvest a crop of real life and eternal life. You see, it’s not overnight. You don’t learn to be unselfish by being zapped. In fact, you’re not gonna learn it in 40 days. It’s gonna take the rest of your life, but it is a growth process, and there’s only one way you can do it, and that is with God’s Spirit in you. God’s Spirit in you. Look at the next verse. Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. Did you know that all of us are compulsive? Every one of us. We are compulsively selfish. We think about ourselves first. And if you don’t think that, you’re really not in touch with reality, because you do. You think about you more than anybody else. And he says the only way you can break that cycle is God’s spirit inside you. Now anybody can be unselfish every once in a while. Anybody can do that. Okay, just by sheer willpower, man, look what I did. And how do you know when it’s motivated by you rather than God’s spirit? Pride creeps in. It’s that I felt noble. It’s that, look at me, what a great person I am. I did something good for somebody. See, when God’s spirit’s in you, then you don’t do that. Anybody can be unselfish every once in a while, but God says, I want it to be a lifestyle. I want it to be a lifestyle, and there’s only one way. God’s spirit in your life, doing the growth work inside of you, motivate it.

SPEAKER 01 : 21:23

What a great message from Pastor Rick today. There’s something I always take away from his message. Here’s Rick to tell you how you can help support this ministry.

SPEAKER 02 : 21:34

Jesus told his disciples that they should live their lives according to five specific purposes. He said you’ve got to love God with all your heart, that’s worship, and love your neighbor as yourself, that’s ministry, that’s called the great commandment. And then Jesus said, go make disciples, that’s evangelism, baptize them into the family of God, that’s fellowship, a sign of fellowship. And then he said, teach them to obey everything I’ve taught you, that’s discipleship. And we call that the great commission. We believe at Daily Hope that a great commitment to the great commandment and the great commission will produce a great Christian, a great church, a great company, a great community. You know, I started Daily Hope so I could spread the good news about Jesus, not just across America, but all around the world. And we want people to know that God’s word is filled with hope and truth. And the power that we need to follow him every day is available to every single one. You know as well as I do that the Word of God changes lives. It’s alive, it’s active, and it breathes new life and new love into all of our lives. So wherever you listen to this, whether you listen on the website, whether you listen on a radio station, or whether you listen through a podcast, you’re a part of the Daily Hope family. And I need your help. We could not do this without your support. Now, you know I don’t take any funds from this broadcast. We don’t have any giant million dollar donor who’s giving big gifts to this. It comes from daily donations from listeners like you. We’re 100% listener funded. Would you continue to pray for this broadcast? And would you continue to support us? And write to me. Let me hear from you. I absolutely love reading the stories that are sent to me. So write me, pray for me, and support this ministry. And God will bless it and God will bless you. And we’ll get to heaven and we’ll thank God for all the people going to be in heaven because you cared.

SPEAKER 01 : 23:34

Hey, if you’d like to support Pastor Rick’s Daily Hope, just go to PastorRick.com. Again, that’s PastorRick.com. And really, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you so much for your support. Your gift to Daily Hope helps us share the hope of Christ with people everywhere. This program is sponsored by Pastor Rick’s Daily Hope and your generous financial support.